


The Long Road

by easyluckyfree45



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Future Fic, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:28:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22868659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/easyluckyfree45/pseuds/easyluckyfree45
Summary: Peter Kavinsky was not a stalker. Really. It was just a series of coincidences that led him up to this point where he was standing outside a bar, only a few moments away from seeing Lara Jean Song-Covey again after so many years.Post-College, slightly AU.
Relationships: Peter Kavinsky & Lara Jean Song-Covey, Peter Kavinsky/Lara Jean Song-Covey
Comments: 62
Kudos: 299





	1. The Distance

**Author's Note:**

> It's been years since I've written but this ship and this story could not stop nagging at me, telling me to write again. So, here we are! Enjoy and feedback always welcome!

I could make it better

I could hold you tighter

On that long road

Oh, you're the light

"Make It Right" by BTS

Chapter 1:

Peter Kavinsky was not a stalker. Really. It was just a series of coincidences that led him up to this point where he was standing outside a bar, only a few moments away from seeing Lara Jean Song-Covey again after so many years.

Neither of them wanted to really break up when they were in college. But by the end of sophomore year, it was so clear that the distance had won. He had never stopped loving her though. In the weeks following the break up, he tried so hard to hate her, to unfollow her on Instagram, to delete her presence from his life. But, he couldn’t. This wasn’t her fault and this wasn’t his. They had desperately tried to make it work but it just wasn’t possible, not with so many miles separating them.

At first, he checked up on her daily, then weekly, and now years later, it’s only every so often. So, when he saw that she moved to Boston for her PhD program in English Literature, he allowed himself to the ‘like’ the post. He debated for 20 minutes afterwards if he should unlike it. After all, how weird was that? Liking a post of hers when they broke up two years ago. He didn’t unlike it though. He was proud of her. She was one of the most brilliant people he knew when they were in high school and he always knew that she could do it.

In retrospect, their break up made sense. It allowed her to freely go up to Boston without guilt and for him to accept the offer at Bain & Company in their DC office. Management consulting was never a profession that he would’ve saw himself go into when he was in high school but it played to all his strongest skills. He was a hard-worker, okay with the long hours. He was a people person and knew how to develop and nurture relationships. After graduation from UVA, he threw himself into his work, striving for the next step, that next promotion. It quickly came and two years later, he found himself as full Consultant, managing a team of Associates in the Boston office.

He had moved up to the city about two months ago. After the initial adjustment period, he had found himself liking it. It wasn’t as big as DC, not as sprawling, but it was filled with cobblestone streets and beautiful brownstone houses. He could see how Lara Jean ended up here. It was the perfect city for her – right out of her idyllic storybook fantasies. 

When he first heard that he was transferring to the Boston office, he thought about messaging her. He had typed out the message a hundred times before quickly hitting the back space button, chickening out. In the end, he settled for an Instagram post announcing the good news and left it at that. It was two days later when she finally liked it.

He had never planned to go out that Saturday night. He had just wrapped up a three-week long project in Minneapolis and had been traveling entirely too much for his liking. He was on his couch, beer in hand, half watching ESPN, half falling asleep when he got the text from Gabe.

“Yo – can we go get drunk tonight? This week was brutal.”

Peter chuckled. Gabe was one of his best friends from school and had moved up to Boston after college as well. 

He quickly typed an affirmative response and then mindlessly began to scroll through Instagram. His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw the post.

“TWENTY-SIX, BITCHES. Officially closer to 30 than 20. Come one, come all to Middlesex tonight. 9PM.”

It was Chris. It was her birthday party tonight.

He pulled up his messages, texting Gabe.

“Middlesex? 9:30PM?”

“Yeah. See you there.”

This series of happy coincidences led him to this point where he was standing in front of a bar, quietly calming down his nerves. He pushed his hands into his pocket. It was mid-May in Boston but he could still feel the chill from the last bits of winter. It never seemed to want to go away. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gabe bounding down the sidewalk, almost giddily.

“Dude, thanks for coming out tonight, man.”

“Yeah, no worries.”

“So, why Middlesex? I know you don’t usually hop the river over to this side.”

Peter looked at him guiltily. “Actually, it’s Chris’s birthday.”

“Excuse me, you mean Chris from back home?”

“Yeah, I saw on her Instagram that she was having a party here tonight.”

“Dude, I forgot she was here too but we all know that is not the real reason why you are here. Is Largie coming?”

Peter sucked a breath in and shrugged. He hadn’t heard that nickname in years and he tried to ignore the pang in his chest. “I don’t know. I’m assuming yes.”

Gabe looked at him knowingly before his face broke out into a huge grin. “YA BOI!!” He slapped Peter on the back. “It’ll be a big reunion.”

The bar was dark and smoky. They walked up the steps and could hear the pounding of the bass get louder and louder. There was a large screen on one end playing old kung fu movies. This was definitely Chris’s scene. The air was heavy, the music loud. The bar was crowded but Peter noticed a black, wide rimmed hat and then blonde hair. He quickly navigated his way, tapping her on the shoulder.

“Happy Birthday, Chris!”

“PK??? And Gabe??” Her voice was a few decibels above the noise of the bar. She smiled widely and threw her arms around him, giving him a tight hug, and then moved onto Gabe. “Welcome to the madness.”

Gabe and Chris quickly launched into a lengthy and detailed conversation of what they had been both up to for the last few years while Peter listened idly. He looked around the bar but couldn’t spot that familiar face.

“She’s coming at 10.”

Peter looked down at Chris, startled. “What?”

“Lara Jean.” Chris said obviously, continuing to smile. “She’ll be here at 10. She needed to finish grading some papers before she could come out.”

“She’s teaching?” 

“Yeah, and she’s ridiculously good at it. All her students love her. It’s disgusting but very typical LJ.” Chris spoke with no malice, in a teasing tone.

Peter continued to catch up with Gabe and Chris, leaning his back against the bar, his eyes never leaving the staircase as he waited for her inevitable arrival.

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean was exhausted. It had been a long week and by the time she had finished grading her last paper and inputting the scores, her eyes were seeing double. It was 9:30PM by the time she was done and she quickly threw an outfit on, applying some light makeup and ran out the door. She was just hopping on the bus when her phone started buzzing non-stop.

“PK IS HERE. And Gabe, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Lara Jean’s eyes widened. She knew that he had moved out here a few months ago but she never thought that she would see him so soon. 

“Did you invite him?!”

“Well, technically I invited all of Instagram but not specifically, no. He must’ve seen my post.”

Lara Jean closed her eyes tightly and let out a sigh. Well, now she wished she had put on a different outfit. How long had it been since had last seen him? 5 or 6 years ago? It was weird how time seemed to have blurred and sped up since that time. They had gone from speaking daily to nothing. She had wanted to text or call him a few times but knew that it would only prolong the hurt. So, she was good. She didn’t look at his social media. She tried to forget about him. It was Chris that first told her that he was moving here. She remembered her disbelieving look, opening up Instagram immediately on her phone before snorting in surprise. After all these years, they would finally be in the same city. She liked the post but stopped there. Should she DM him? Should they try to talk again? 

No. 

It wasn’t like she time for boys right now, she told herself. Her graduate program kept her ridiculously busy between classes, teaching, and working part-time at the bakery. She would leave this one up to fate. Boston was a big enough city that she felt comfortable knowing that she wouldn’t run into him, at least not immediately. Especially since they were separated by a river, her in Cambridge, and him in Boston. 

Clearly, fate had other plans. 

She hopped off the bus, the wind whipping her hair around. She grumbled, trying to fix it as she ascended the stairs. 

The bar was so crowded and warm. She quickly slinked her jacket off. It was times like these that she wished she were at least a foot taller. She could barely see over the crowd, trying her best to locate Chris. 

She did not expect to see Peter Kavinsky, standing in front of her, having pushed through the crowds to get to her. But there he was, towering above her wearing a nice blue button-down shirt and grey slacks. His hair was a little shorter than she remembered but he still had that same goofy smile.

“Hi.”

His voice was deep and gruff as if he hadn’t spoken at all that night.

She smiled at him and hugged him, smelling his woody cologne. 

“Hi Peter.”

-*-


	2. Make it right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the love, all. Enjoy!

I want to end winter  
How much longing must fall like snow  
Will that spring day come?

\- “Spring Day” by BTS

Chapter 2

Coconuts. She still smelled like coconuts after all these years. He easily enveloped her small frame in his arms and he held on, perhaps for a little too long, enjoying her familiar warmth and smell. The panic and anxiety that he had been experiencing for the last few hours, anticipating this moment, seemed to fade right away. He leaned back, his arms still encircling the small of her back.

“It’s good to see you, Lara Jean.”

She beamed at him and for a moment, Peter found it difficult to look at her, smiling at him so sweetly as if no time had passed at all.

“It’s good to see you, too.” She said softly. Peter had barely heard her but it helped that they were still intertwined. Finally, he removed his hands and took a small step back. She’s not yours anymore, he reminded himself.

Before either could speak, Chris bounded over, interrupting what felt like a moment. “LJ, you made it!” She yelled, her voice clear above the noise.

Lara Jean hugged her tightly and wished her a happy birthday, quickly getting bombarded by questions from Chris, who was dragging her to the bar. Peter dutifully followed, amusement coloring his face as it seemed their relationship had not changed all. 

His height was a benefit as he quickly got the attention of the bartender, ordering drinks all around and handing the bartender his card. “Keep it open, thanks.”

“Thanks Peter.” Chris said with a smirk, already sucking on the straw.

“Peter, what’s your Venmo? I’ll pay for my drink.” Lara Jean whipped out her phone and started to protest when Peter pushed it away.

“My treat. It is Chris’s birthday after all.”

“Damn right.” Chris agreed.

Lara Jean shifted her weight back and forth, debating if she wanted to argue with him. Peter studied her face closely, slightly bemused at how uncomfortable she was. “Okay, but just this one. Thanks Peter.”

Peter winked at her and nodded in the direction of a quiet corner. Chris had already flitted off to greet another friend so Lara Jean followed him.

“So, tell me all about this promotion. Why Boston?” She relaxed into the lounge seat, her knees brushing up against his.

“My company is headquartered here so it was the next logical step. The DC office was great but it was time for a change of pace.”

“You’re at Bain, right?” Lara Jean raised an eyebrow. “Consulting, really? All about the money, now?” She teased.

Peter let out a small laugh and shrugged. “It’s not really about the money for me. It’s nice to be working on so many different projects in different industries, meeting new people. It’s challenging for sure but I’m surprisingly good at it.”

“How are your hours?”

“Insane.” Peter answered honestly. “But, I do get my weekends so at least I have that.”

Well, that confirmed it. He was probably too busy to date too. Lara Jean quickly brushed past that fleeting thought. She should no longer care about Peter Kavinsky’s ability to date or not to date. That was not her business anymore. 

They fell into easy conversation, catching up on all that they had missed in their lives. Lara Jean explained her dissertation project, researching Jane Austen’s letters and late writings. It didn’t surprise him at all that that topic would become her focus. She had always been a romantic. She talked about the class she was teaching on 19th century British Literature, a sophomore-level class. 

“Isn’t it weird that sophomores seem so young now?” Peter asked.

“It’s actually alarming how young they seem now when honestly, it wasn’t even that long ago for us!” Lara Jean exclaimed. “I can’t keep up with the youths these days.” She lamented.

And it was true. She was a teaching fellow for the class and had a great group of 8 students who were constantly trying to teach her the new, hip lingo. She’s still not quite sure what a Tik-Tok is.

“You remember when we were sophomores?” Peter laughed lightly. “I barely knew what I wanted to major in or what I wanted to do after college.”

“Yeah.” Lara Jean said softly, thinking about what happened at the end of that year. It was hands down the most difficult period in her college experience. Not freshmen year, not making friends, not arriving at college not knowing a single person. It was the period leading up to their break-up and then dealing with the aftermath.

Peter watched her carefully, sensing that the mood had suddenly gotten serious. “I’m sorry, by the way. I never got a chance to apologize to you.”

“For what?” Her brown eyes held genuine confusion.

“I should’ve treated you better.” I should’ve fought for us harder, he thought. I should’ve found my way back to you. That was left unsaid.

“We were young, Peter. It was bad enough that college was stressful but managing a long distance relationship on top of that was just too much.” She said and then quietly added. “I don’t blame you.”

“I don’t blame you either.” He smiled softly at her and she smiled back.

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean thought she really should’ve been more social with others at the party but it was so easy to talk to Peter. He still had that same charm and conversation came easy with him. It was nearly two hours later when she finally looked at her watch.

“Oh my god. It’s so late!”

“It’s not even midnight yet, Covey.”

“Midnight is late to me! I’ve barely slept this week.” She grumbled. 

She was so cute. No, Peter thought to herself. He can’t think things like that.

“Want to get out of here? Maybe a little snack?”

Lara Jean raised an eyebrow. “Are you suggesting some midnight munchies, Peter Kavinsky?”

Peter nodded. “What do you think? Tacos? Pizza? Grilled cheese?”

She exclaimed excitedly, actually clapping her hands together to his bemusement. “Grilled cheese, please! There’s this great place just a couple blocks down.”

Lara Jean gathered her belongings and said her to goodbyes to her friends that she had basically ignored for most of the night. While she said her goodbyes, Peter did the same with Gabe and closed out his tab. Lara Jean bit her lip guiltily as she approached Chris. “Do you hate me? Am I the worst?”

Chris just hugged her and whispered in her ear. “I need a play-by-play. Text me everything when you get back home.” 

-*-*-*-

They barely made it to the grilled cheese shop before it closed. Lara Jean bounded down the streets, running as fast as her legs would take her. She was slightly annoyed that, as always, Peter was able to outrun her so easily. He wasn’t even winded!

They ordered quickly and walked across the street with their sandwiches, sitting in a building’s outside courtyard. 

Lara Jean eagerly unwrapped her grilled cheese and took a big bite. She moaned in delight. “This is so good.”

Peter shifted uncomfortably next to her, trying his best to ignore just exactly what that moan did to him. He bit into his sandwich. “Not bad, Covey. Still find it a little ridiculous that they close at midnight on a Saturday though.”

“Welcome to Boston!” Lara Jean crowed. “Where everything closes before 10PM and bars close at 2AM.”

“I’m starting to think I made the wrong choice moving here.”

-*-*-*-*-

They were walking down the street, their bodies gravitating toward each other naturally. Peter had insisted that he walk Lara Jean home since the buses had stopped running. He had suggested an Uber but she huffed at that suggestion. “It’s only like a 20 minute walk!”

This was a lie. 30 minutes later, they were still walking down the same street.

“Covey, I’m starting to think we’re walking to another city.”

“It’s literally like another two blocks!” Lara Jean pointed at a random building a few blocks away. “See – there!”

She missed this – their bantering and teasing. It was easy. This was how it should’ve been. She skipped the last few steps to her door. “This is me.”

Peter grabbed her hand gently, rubbing small circles into her palm. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

She nodded. “I told you it’s going to be really boring for you though. Bring a book. I need to read like 300 pages for class.”

She still wasn’t sure why this was how he wanted to spend a Sunday afternoon. On the walk back, he had asked her about her plans and she answered honestly. Sundays were her days to hunker down on work whether that be hours of reading, writing, or revising. She was planning on sitting outside in the grass in the park next to her apartment, basking in the sun as it was supposed to be unusually warm tomorrow but chained to her books nonetheless. She thought it was curious that he had basically invited himself but he probably just didn’t have many friends yet in town.

“See you tomorrow, Peter.” She murmured, suddenly feeling a little braver, and leaned forward to brush a kiss on his cheek.

“Bye Covey.”

-*-*-*-*-

When Lara Jean got back to her apartment, she flopped onto her couch and took her phone out, texting Chris.

Lara Jean: “I’m back home.”

Her response was almost instantaneous. 

Chris: “Lara Jean Song-Covey, it is almost 2AM and you’re finally texting me?!?!”

Chris: “HOW DID IT GO?!!!!”

Lara Jean giggled. 

Lara Jean: “It was fine. It was really nice to catch up. We got some food and just talked.”

Lara Jean: “Only talked.”

Chris: “Booooooooooooooooo.”

Chris: “Please bone him. It’s been over a year since you last had sex.”

Lara Jean: “It was a mistake to tell you that.”

Lara Jean: “I’m not boning him, thank you very much. We are just friends.”

Chris: “OKAYYYYY.”

Chris: “Complete bullshit.”

Lara Jean: “It is not! Tonight was completely innocent. It was just nice to have my friend back.”

Chris: “You mean your sex friend.”

Lara Jean: “I’m going to stop texting you now.”

Chris: “Uh huh. But are you going to see him tomorrow?”

Lara Jean: “Shut up.”

Chris: “So, that’s a yes?”

No response.

Chris: “Definitely yes.”

-*-*-*-*-


	3. Hold On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments. You're all amazing. Enjoy!!

I might have given up, lost at sea  
But my heart’s still on fire with a burning desire  
I’ll find you again like fate

\- “Heartbeat” by BTS

Chapter 3

Lucas was cradling his iced americano with an extra shot when Lara Jean walked into the café.

“LJ!”

“Lucas!”

Lucas got up and wrapped his arms around Lara Jean, squeezing her tightly. Chris sat next to him and swatted at them with one hand, the other massaging her temple.

“Can we not be so loud please?” She was wearing sunglasses and Lara Jean could still see the remnants of last night’s party in her hair and smeared makeup.

“Fun night?” Lucas teased and then snorted. “You need to change your mood, stat, lovey. I did not catch the 5AM train up here this morning for this.” He gestured towards her general direction.

“I am so hungover and would appreciate a little more compassion.” Chris whined.

“Too many shots?” Lara Jean asked smiling.

“Tequila is not my lady.” She mumbled.

Lara Jean rolled her eyes and turned towards Lucas. “How was your ride in? Not too bad, I hope?”

He shrugged. “It wasn’t bad. I slept for most of it.” The train ride from New York was only a few hours. Lucas had moved there soon after college to pursue his dream of being a dance choreographer. He was always busy with a show which was good but that also meant that most weeks, his Fridays and Saturdays were eaten up by performances. He had to miss Chris’s birthday party last night for the opening of a new show. But he made it up to her by getting on a train at an ungodly hour.

Lara Jean and Lucas started chattering away, catching each other up on what had happened in the last few weeks. When Chris first moved back to the east coast a year ago, it gave them a great excuse to see each other more often. Chris was like the glue between them. Even if she was currently groaning about how there was too many windows in the café, causing the beaming sun to pour through. They had made a pact – once a month, they would trek up or down the eastern seaboard to stay a night, for the weekend, or a few days and of course, get boozy brunch. So every other month, she and Chris hopped on the megabus and went down to visit Lucas.

The service at the café was fast. It was one of the reasons why this place was their favorite. Cheap, fast, and tasty.

Lara Jean had a mouthful of eggs in her mouth when Chris finally seemed to wake up. She waggled her eyebrows. “Lara Jean.” She said in a sing song tone. “You forgot to mention the best part from last night.”

Lara Jean’s eyes got wide and she swallowed hard, her throat suddenly dry. She shook her head, denying it. “It wasn’t-“

“Peter Kavinsky and Gabe Rivera showed up at my party last night.”

“GTFO!” Lucas’s mouth was round in an o-shape.

“Did you just say GTFO?” Chris snorted.

“Shut up! Not important. I forgot he moved up here! Tell me everything. Now, Lara Jean.”

Lara Jean tried her best to keep her tone neutral as she recounted her night. Seeing Peter in the bar, talking to him for hours, and then getting some food. “And then he walked me home.” She finished.

“And???” Lucas asked expectantly, his hands literally outreached, grabbing at the air.

“What do you mean and?” She asked. “And then I went home and went to sleep.”

“Wow.” His eyes narrowed suspiciously. “So, you’re telling me after all these years, Mr. He Was My First and True Love walks back into your life and all you did was eat some grilled cheese together?”

“You’re really making me sound like a lame butt.” Lara Jean complained.

Chris laughed and interjected before Lucas could retort. “Because you are! Get it, girl. Kavinsky had only eyes for you last night. Me and Gabe kept commenting on it all night. You are still the center of his world.”

Lara Jean flushed and tried to protest. “We’re just friends. It’s been years and I don’t know him anymore. I need to get to know him better before we decide on anything.” She tipped her head to the side, thoughtfully. “Also, I’m ridiculously busy and so is he with traveling for all these projects he’s on. We probably won’t even see each other.”

“Aren’t you hanging out with him later?” Chris asked. 

Lucas and Chris both turned in her direction, their gazes piercing. 

“Yes.” She conceded.

They both threw their heads back laughing while continuing to tease her for the rest of their meal. They were about to finish up and pay when he walked in. 

John Ambrose McClaren.

Chris nudged Lara Jean. “Isn’t that your hot classmate?”

Lara Jean looked over and waved, catching his eye. He smiled dazzlingly and waved back before he and his friends headed in the other direction to be seated.

“Yes.” Lara Jean kept it short, trying not to comment to his attractiveness because if she had to admit it, yes, he was very good looking. 

“I still can’t believe this guy studies 19th century British poetry and is that hot.” Lucas said. “You really think he’d be playing for my team.” Lucas sighed wistfully, finishing the last bit of his coffee.

-*-*-*-*-

It was only a little bit after 11AM when they finished up brunch. Lucas had dragged Chris downtown to do a bit of shopping and boy watching, leaving Lara Jean to her studies. They all knew that Sundays were her classwork days. Lara Jean sat on the grass, the blades rubbing up against her bare legs. She was wearing shorts and a flowy long sleeved shirt, digging her bare feet into the grass. She had missed this. 

She toyed with her phone, biting her lip, debating how she should phrase this message to the group chat with Margot and Kitty. Margot had moved to Edinburgh and Kitty was still in college at Georgetown. She missed her sisters. They didn’t see each other as often as she’d like – usually only twice a year for Daddy’s birthday and the winter holidays. It was hard sometimes.

On days like today though, she was grateful for the distance. She would text them, expect her phone to blow up non-stop with a barrage of inquiring messages, and then she would leave it. She could ignore their prying questions much easier.

Lara Jean: “I saw Peter last night. He came to Chris’s birthday party. We chatted for a bit.”

Lara Jean immediately put down her phone, telling herself she was going to ignore the rest of the messages. Her phone started buzzing violently, nearly bouncing up off the grass. She snatched it back up.

Kitty: “I KNEW IT.”

Margot: “What?! Peter Kavinsky?”

Kitty: “I bet he moved to Boston for you.”

Margot: “He’s in Boston?”

Kitty: “Yeah, he moved there like two months ago. He switched offices and clearly, it was FOR LARA JEAN.”

Kitty: “I told him he was a butthead for not reaching out to you immediately when he found out.”

Lara Jean sighed and typed back a response.

Lara Jean: “I didn’t realize you guys still talked.”

Kitty: “We did live in the same city.”

Kitty: “So did he kiss you?!”

Lara Jean rolled her eyes.

Lara Jean: “No, we’re just friends. Purely platonic.”

Margot: “I think that’s a good idea. It’s been such a long time since you guys last saw each other.”

Kitty: “That’s a terrible idea. Why didn’t you kiss him? Why didn’t he kiss you?”

Lara Jean: “Okay, I need to study. BYE.”

And with that, she muted the group chat and went back to her studying.

-*-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean had nearly finished her second reading assignment when Peter arrived. He towered over her, casting long shadows on the ground. She pushed her sunglasses off her face and smiled, patting the grass next to her, inviting him to sit down.

“You made it!”

“Yeah, I’m so sorry I’m late.” He had always been self-conscious about his promptness ever since Lara Jean brought it up with him all those years ago. “I had to pop by the office and got sucked in. It’s what I get for going in on a Sunday.” 

“I thought you didn’t have to work weekends.” Her tone was light and her eyes glimmered, teasing. 

“I usually don’t! But, I just got put on another project and wanted to get myself situated. At least it’s local this time.” He sat down next to her and pushed a bag in her direction. “I brought bagels.”

“Oh my god, yes, thank you! I’m actually starving.”

“Didn’t you get brunch with Chris and Lucas earlier?”

“That was like 2 hours ago!” She protested. “I basically didn’t eat lunch.” She was already digging in, taking out the sesame bagel and happily spreading a generous portion of veggie cream cheese on one half. 

“So, how’s Lucas? I haven’t seen him in years.” 

“He’s good! He’s a dance choreographer in New York and he just debuted a new show.” She paused for dramatic effect. “ON BROADWAY. It was a smashing success from what I heard!”

“Wow, that’s awesome. That profession makes total sense. Also, that probably means he’s the most successful out of our graduating class. He’s basically famous.”

“Totally famous. I hope he doesn’t forget us little people but yeah, I know, he was born for New York.”

They were both quiet for a few moments before he asked, “You ever thought you’d leave Virginia, Covey?” 

“Not really.” She answered honestly. “I always planned to go to UVA so I could stay close to Daddy and Kitty. I was even planning on living at home for a bit at least but well, you remember how those plans unfolded.” She shrugged gently. “I think it all worked out. I’m still on the same coast and Kitty is close to home. Plus, I have my own life to live now.”

He nodded and smiled fondly. She was just as he remembered her. It was so easy to fall right back into their old habits, seemingly as if no time had passed at all. She handed him half of the bagel, having spread his cream cheese exactly how he liked it. Without a word, he grabbed it and started eating, lost in his thoughts. 

They fell into a comfortable silence as Lara Jean resumed her reading. Peter leaned back against the grass, book in hand. He snuck glances at her every so often, peering above the pages. God, she was so beautiful. The sunlight brought out the light tints of brown and red in her long black hair. She was concentrating hard, brow furrowed, biting her lip every so often. It took a concerted effort not to sit up, push her book away, and bite that lip for her.

Stop. He needed to stop.

An hour had passed before he finally spoke up. “Covey, I’m getting thirsty. Break time?”

Her eyes refocused on him, pulling her back from her daze of reading. “Oh right! Probably time for a break.” She closed her book with a light thud and shoved it into her tote bag. She started gathering her things. “Want to come up to my place for a bit? We can get some snacks too.”

He had to tamp down the sudden rush of nerves at the prospect of going to her apartment. It was fine. This was a completely normal thing that friends did.

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

He was going to be fine. They were just friends and absolutely nothing was going to happen. Really.

-*-*-*-*-


	4. A little's enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this story already has over 500 views. Thank you so much for reading. Enjoy!!

I’ll show you that there’s another sky  
I’ll call forth the autumn that was once like you  
I’ll be the winter flower, be the dancing star  
I’ll be by your side

\- “Winter Flower” by Younha

Chapter 4: A Little’s Enough

The air is warm in her tiny apartment. She squeezes past him in the hallway to turn on the light. The fabric of her shirt rubbed against his and his breath hitched for that millisecond. 

“Welcome!”

It’s perfect. It’s exactly as he could’ve imagined it. She had rows and rows of books lining the wall, some stacked in piles in the corner. He looked at the walls, lined with pictures of her, her friends, her family. She always had been sentimental. Looking at the images now, he felt a slight pang in his heart that he missed all these moments and important times in her life. One image he remembered, however. It was their high school graduation. 18-year-old him was on the far left, a goofy and giddy smile on his face, ecstatic that he actually graduated. Next to him was Lara Jean, she had her face slightly buried in his chest though you could tell she was still smiling. Then Chris, Lucas, Gabe, Greg, Trevor, and Gen on the far right. He felt Lara Jean’s presence before he heard her.

“High school graduation. I think this was the only picture we managed to take where we were all sort of looking at the camera.”

“It’s perfect.” He says out loud, letting the words slip past his lips. “Do you ever miss this?” He pointed at the photo.

“Sometimes.” Lara Jean answered honestly. “But I also like being an adult much better. It’s nice to just be able to eat a block of cheese for dinner and not get yelled at.”

He wants to reach out to her, pull her close, but he stops himself. His fingers tingled with the anticipation. 

“Sometimes I wish we never grew up.” Never grew apart.

Lara Jean made a light noise of agreement before she moved further into her apartment, towards the kitchen. Peter perused her bookshelves while she bustled around in the kitchen. Austen, Hardy, Blake, Bronte, Austen again, Bronte again. He fiddled with some of the spines, looking for one to catch his eye. “You stopped reading your bodice rippers?”

She scoffed loudly. “Excuse you but I enjoy them for their camp. Plus, they’re not really the types of books you put out in the living room.”

“You have a separate bookshelf for your sex books?”

“Yes, I have a separate bookshelf in my bedroom.” She said pointedly, ignoring his comment. “Doesn’t everybody?”

She was so cute. “No, Covey, most people don’t usually have these many books.”

“How many books do you have on your bookshelf?”

“You should come over and see.” His tone was teasing but he noticed her eyes darkening and the flush on her cheeks. 

She sputtered and then opened the fridge door a little too forcefully, jostling the cartons of milk and orange juice. 

He moved closer to her, beginning to encircle her as she leaned against the counter. “Do you want to come over and see, Covey?” His voice was deep and gruff as he leaned in towards her, his lips brushing against her ear. She could feel his breath on her skin.

Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint. She reminded herself. It was one of her favorite Jane Austen quotes and at this moment, she repeated it like a mantra in her head.

She looked at him, her skin buzzing. His hand went to her waist, touching the fabric of her shirt ever so slightly. She lifted her head to his and that was all the sign he needed. He captured her lips with his own. God, it felt so right. All the mistakes, the stupid fights, the ignored phone calls, the missed lacrosse games – it all melted away in this moment. He deepened the kiss, his arms fully around her as he pressed her body up against his, enjoying all the curves. 

She moaned into his mouth when he bites her bottom lip and he almost loses control. It was the hottest thing. He smiles against her lips and managed to pull her even closer, his hand firm against her back. They stayed like that, kissing each other until their lips were red and swollen. When Lara Jean finally pulled back, she had to steady herself, her head woozy. 

“You okay?” He asked quietly. “Is…” He trailed off for a moment. “Is this okay?”

She answered almost immediately. “Yes, Peter. This is very much okay.” And they were kissing again.

Her hands went up into his hair as he trailed kisses all the way down her neck, nipping and licking at her collar bone. “Hmmm.” She murmured into his ear. His hands slipped under her shirt and suddenly, her stomach was bared. She sucked in a breath of air, the sensation tingling down her spine. 

“Can I?” He asked softly. She nodded mutely, knowing that in this moment, she could deny him nothing. He still had this hold over her. All she wanted to do was say yes to him.

He slipped her shirt off and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her onto the counter. She opened her legs wide and he stepped in. She pulled his shoulder down towards her mouth, kissing it gently, leaving a trail of butterfly kisses down his arm. She opened his hand and kissed his palm before poking her tongue out, licking his finger. And then she was sucking his entire index finger. He had to stop his jaw from dropping open, his erection pressing up against his jeans, desperate for contact. 

“There’s no one like you, Covey.” He whispered to her. 

She smiled shyly up at him. She was just so… her. Sexy yet innocent and just perfect. He brushed the hair out of her face.

It was the perfect moment like the ones she read in her romance novels. The heroine and the hero reunite. They kiss passionately and make up. He falls in love with her again. And she with him. The perfect love story.

Then her stomach growled.

They both burst out laughing and she flushed, embarrassed. “I told you I didn’t eat lunch!”

“Let’s get you something to eat.” He helped her put her shirt back on, steadying her as she hopped down from the counter.

-*-*-*-*-*

Lara Jean decides to make a pizza. She had some leftover premade dough from her midnight craving last week when after hours of study, she took out her frustration by kneading and punching some pizza dough. As she and Peter both assembled the toppings, she couldn’t help but notice how domestic it was. Was this how it could’ve been all along? Would they have bought a house? Would they have Monday Night Pizza where they would repeat this weekly? 

She stopped her trail of thoughts. No. She was not going to live in the past. She still couldn’t help herself though. Leave it to her to overthink and overanalyze every moment and situation. She had always done this and where did it leave her all those years ago with their relationship? Crying in her dorm room alone.

Peter sensed the change in her mood and touched the small of her back gently. “What’s going on up there, Covey? I can tell that your gears are moving a million miles an hour.”

“Nothing.” She lied. “Really.”

He raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. “Come on. You know you’re a bad liar.”

She sighed and shrugged, leaning in for a hug. “I was just thinking about what could’ve been if we hadn’t broken up. You know?” She didn’t really even know what answer she wanted from him. Acknowledgement? Apology? She really needed to stop.

“I’m sorry we lost so much time.” He finally said after a few moments of silence. “But maybe we needed that time? Just think of everything we’ve both accomplished in the last few years without any regrets and boundaries. I think we needed the distance.” 

His answer was honest, refreshing, but Lara Jean still felt the pang in her heart. “I never wanted to hold you back.”

“It was never you holding me back, Lara Jean, it was me. Even before college, I was ready to give up that scholarship at UVA to follow you. That would’ve been so stupid of me, racking up all that unnecessary debt, but love messes with my logic. I would’ve followed you anywhere.”

She knew he was right but a small part of her couldn’t help but wonder what if they were doomed to repeat their past mistakes? Was she holding him back now?

He could see her thoughts whizzing and he held her tighter, kissing her forehead. “It doesn’t matter anymore. We’re here now and all of that is the past.”

She knew he was right but she couldn’t quell the discomfort in the pit of her stomach. She pulled away from him and put the pizza in the oven, quickly changing the subject.

They spent the rest of the night talking, teasing each other occasionally. He touched her whenever he could, brushing the hair out of her face, rubbing circles on her palm, a firm grasp of her waist. It comforted her, having him so close. It just felt right. 

A bottle of wine and an entire devoured pizza later, Peter found himself at Lara Jean’s doorway, kissing her goodnight. 

“I’m sorry I took up so much of your time. I know you had a lot to do today.”

“I’d much rather do this than read.” She smiled up at him. “Plus, I actually got a lot done today so I’ll be fine.” 

He grabbed her hand and squeezed it before leaning down to kiss her goodnight. “I’ll text you.”

It was perfect. Everything was perfect.

-*-*-*-*- 

Peter had sent her a continuous stream of sweet texts throughout the rest of Sunday night and Lara Jean founded herself waking up Monday morning with a stupid smile on her face. It was like she slept all night smiling.

She looked at the clock. It was only 7:00AM and she had another hour before she needed to make it to campus for a meeting with the other teaching fellows and the professor. Blindly, she reached for her phone and pulled up her messages, scrolling through the series of texts that she and Peter had exchanged last night.

Lara Jean: “Good morning! Have the best day.”

When did she become such a cheeseball? She crawled out of bed and started to prepare herself for the day, getting dressed in a peter pan collar mustard corduroy dress, leggings, and short boots. She was taking a bite out of her toast when her phone buzzed.

Peter: “You too, Covey. This week is going to be insane.”

Peter: “I miss you already.”

Lara Jean: “Miss you too.”

She nearly floated out the door. It was another unusually warm day and she shrugged off her jacket when she started walking. She popped into the coffee shop a few blocks from her house, ordering her usual iced hazelnut latte. 

She was early but that was not unusual. She sat in the meeting room and sipped on her coffee, reading over her notes on the latest chapter and assignment for her students. A few minutes passed when someone walked in.

“Morning, LJ.” John Ambrose McClaren smiled at her winningly and she wondered for a brief moment if she’s ever seen him not smiling so widely. He just radiated warmth and positivity. “How’s your morning going?”

“Good. I got up early and got here with plenty of time to spare so no complaints.”

“Did you have a good weekend?”

She couldn’t help the smile that covered her face, thinking about Peter. “One of the better weekends I’ve had recently.”

“That’s awesome! You looked like you were having a good brunch. Isn’t that place the best? I got the fruity pebbles pancakes and it was literally all I’ve been craving since.”

She nodded eagerly. “Oh, I know. Those are amazing! If you have a sweet tooth, the cinnamon toast crunch French toast is phenomenal. You have to try them next time. They taste like my childhood.”

They chatted a bit more about their favorite breakfast foods and eventually, segued to more academic related matters. John flipped to a chapter, his book covered in diligently made notes. Lara Jean saw the many tiny post-its poking out of the pages. He pointed at a passage on the page, asking Lara Jean her opinion. 

“See here, I just feel like this here is wildly conservative. It just goes to show how prim and proper she is.”

“Noooo.” Lara Jean drew out her the word, shaking her head furiously, her headband almost dislodged itself. “You don’t think she’s an undercover feminist?” 

The course they taught had moved onto the portion about gender and culture in 19th century Britain and they were currently discussing Fanny Price from Mansfield Park. 

“She’s a prig, Lara Jean. She just prods on and on about her Christian morals and ideals and sucks the fun out of the actual interesting characters. Over 400 pages and not a single joke? Too austere for me.”

“You’re making her sound like some kind of prude, which she is most definitely not.” She was about to argue her point further when the professor stepped into the room, followed by the last of the teaching fellows trickling in. 

“We will continue this later.” John Ambrose promised, his eyes teasing.

Lara Jean looked down sheepishly, ignoring the fluttering in her stomach. She should not be flirting with him and she wasn’t! They were just arguing which is definitely not flirting. Besides, she and Peter never made any promises to each other. They didn’t talk about what happened, what they were, just friends that occasionally kissed? Did she have to feel guilty about this? God, now she was second guessing herself. What exactly was last night? A few passionate kisses and dinner? Did friends do that?

She pushed away the thoughts about her love life and focused on the professor’s sonorous voice.

-*-*-*-*-

It was 2:56AM when he finally wrapped up his notes, having spent the majority of his day prepping for the client meeting at the end of the week. He felt like his office had a revolving door with Associates coming in every time he thought he’d finally be able to start on his own work. He barely had time to eat, stuffing a sandwich into his mouth while he typed away at his computer. He climbed into his Uber and looked at his phone. It was the first time the whole day that he had a chance to even glance at it. He saw the series of texts from Lara Jean and immediately felt a pang of guilt. Crap. He didn’t mean to ignore her all day. He knew that she would probably already be sleeping when he called but he thought, why not? She’s a student. She might still be up studying.

No such luck. He couldn’t help but feel disappointment for a brief moment before the overwhelming exhaustion washed over him. He typed out a quick text: “Miss you” before hitting send and promptly passing out in the car. He could probably sleep for four hours before he had to be back in the office. Getting there at 8AM was probably too late, he knew. But, he needed some rest. 

When she woke up Tuesday morning, she saw that she had a missed call from Peter. He called her at 3AM? Weird. She wondered if he called by accident. She saw the text and smiled.

Lara Jean: “Miss you too.”

-*-*-*-*-

It was Thursday night at 8:12PM when she next hears from him. He doesn’t text her for two days and to be fair, she hasn’t texted him either but she can’t help the doubt and uncertainty that begin to creep into her mind. She’s at dinner at Chris’s place when he finally texts her.

“Hi stranger.”

She stares at her phone for a little too long, debating if she wanted to and how to respond.

“What’s up, LJ? You got naked men on that phone?’

She slaps Chris gently and takes a bite of her pasta, buying her some time before she has to answer. “Peter finally texted me.”

“When was the last time he texted you?”

“Monday night, well, I guess technically Tuesday morning.” She paused for a moment. “That’s weird, right? To go so long without hearing from him? That’s what you would do to a friend but not like a romantic friend?” She couldn’t stop herself from rambling, all the anxiety that had been building up from the last few days pouring out.

“Well, I think based on how he kissed you and you proceeded to make out with him without your top on, he probably thinks of you as a romantic friend.”

She flushed with embarrassment. “I don’t know. Maybe this is his thing now?”

“What? That literally doesn’t make any sense. Kavinsky has and always has been a hopeless romantic. Look what happened when he tried to rebound and fake date you!”

Lara Jean let out a sigh. “God, I feel like I’m 16 all over again. Stressing about texting Peter Kavinsky and wondering if he actually likes me.”

“He likes you. It’s like beating a dead horse over here, jeez.” Chris nudged her. “Hey, is that such a bad thing to feel like that?”

“I’m not sure.” She answered honestly. “No one else has ever made me feel like this. All the logic just goes straight out my head when I’m around him. He just makes me feel,” she pauses, trying to find the right words. “Like I’m going a thousand miles per hour and I can’t slow down to think because all I want to do is be in the moment and enjoy it.”

“That definitely doesn’t sound like a bad thing.” Chris pushed Lara Jean’s phone towards her. “Text him back.”

Lara Jean bites her lip, debating what she wanted to say. She settled for a simple “Hi.”

Peter: “Can I buy you dessert? I’m sure you’ve already had dinner.”

Lara Jean: “I have to teach at 8AM tomorrow so I really shouldn’t.”

Peter: “I promise I’ll have you back before your bedtime.”

She grinned. “Fine. But, I’m getting at least three scoops. Can you meet me at the ice cream place by my house?”

Peter: “Sure, text me the address.”

-*-*-*-*-


	5. Hearts on fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this chapter really hurt. MY HEART. Yes, there's angst but there's also SMUTSMUTSMUT.
> 
> Enjoy, my loves!

And baby, I’m no stranger to heartbreak  
And the pain of always being let go  
We both found each other tonight  
So if love is nothing more than a waste of your time  
Waste it on me

\- “Waste it on Me” by BTS

Chapter 5: Hearts on Fire

Lara Jean peered into the glass, marveling at all the different flavors. She settles on chocolate and banana cinnamon in a waffle cone. Peter watched as she licked the ice cream so delicately, her tongue poking out every so often and suddenly, he realized that maybe getting ice cream wasn’t necessarily the best idea. He shifted his weight and cleared his throat.

“I promise I wasn’t ignoring you this week, Covey.”

She is silent, waiting for him to continue, and that makes this even harder for him. 

“Work is just crazy.” He finished lamely. “This is going to be pretty par the course for me, unfortunately. If I’m not traveling Monday through Thursday then I’m local but sometimes those projects are even worse with longer hours. It just never ends.”

He sounded dejected and for a moment, she saw a glimpse of the same resignation that he had all those years ago when she told him about her acceptance into UNC and he just froze, reeling from the overwhelming weight of disappointment. “This is going to be harder than I thought it would be.” He had said to her. She remembered how desperately she just wanted to hold him and make him feel better. That same feeling reemerged within her. 

She tried to keep her voice breezy. “I totally get it. Sometimes during the semester, I get so busy that I forget to eat and suddenly, it’s 9PM and all I’ve had all day is a bagel. The semester is winding down for me which means at least I’ll get to focus on research and writing but sometimes it feels like it never stops.”

“Exactly.” She understood. She always understood. “But, hey, I have a half day tomorrow.”

“Oooo! What are you going to do with all this spare time?”

He snorted. “I don’t know. Probably sleep.”

“Peter Kavinsky. I never pegged you for such a bore.”

He threw his napkin at her and smiled, for the first time in days. 

-*-*-*-*-*-

It’s late by the time they get back to her place. They fell into effortless conversation and on the way back, Lara Jean finally managed to convince Peter to let her pick out a book for him to read.

“I’m not reading any of your sex novels though.” He insisted.

She huffed at the suggestion and opened the door to her apartment, grumbling. “I wasn’t going to give you one of those anyway, thank you very much.”

She rushed to her bookcase, looking through the selection before quickly finding her book of choice. “North and South, Elizabeth Gaskell.” She handed it to him, bouncing on her feet, unable to contain her excitement. When they were dating, she constantly harangued him to read more but never once did he cave. “It’s such a poignant and incisive look into how the Industrial Revolution ripped apart so much of Great Britain. The social commentary is fascinating and Gaskell is such an underappreciated author. And, there’s romance!”

“You really think I’ll like this?”

“You’re going to love it.” 

She was practically giddy and Peter couldn’t help but reach out, finally grabbing for her, something that he had wanted to do all night. It was automatic, like he had been doing this for years, all along, never a pause. She lifted her head and her lips met his. He was firm, pushing against her, seeking more. Her hands went up into his hair and she moaned into his mouth. He caressed the exposed skin between her shirt and skirt. And then, she was pulling him towards her bedroom.

They were a tangle of limbs when they landed against her bed with a gentle thud. He pushed her down, pouring all the unspoken words into his kiss. He needed her to understand this was what was missing from his life all these years. 

She shimmied out of her skirt as he was taking off his shirt, removing his tie. God, why did he decide to wear so much clothing today? He reached towards her like a man possessed, taking off her shirt and immediately pressing his lips to her neck, leaving kisses down to her shoulder. She leaned her head back, giving him full access. She pulled his face to hers and greedily started to kiss him deeper, like she couldn’t pull him close enough. 

He pushed her back towards her pillows, moving his body over hers, and slowly made his way down, kissing her shoulder, then the valley between her breasts, her stomach, and down to her simple cotton panties. He hooked a finger around the top and slowly, torturously, pulled them down her legs, kissing her thigh then her calf and finally the tops of her bare feet. 

He pushed her legs apart and she flushed. He loved that even in this intimate moment, she could still be so shy. He looked at her, his eyes asking for permission, and she nods ever so slightly. And then his lips were against her clit, sucking and licking. Her breathing got heavy and she squeezed her eyes shut tightly, grabbing at her sheets. How was he so good at this? 

She moved against him, her hands now firmly grasping at his hair. When he stops, her eyes fly open, and he moves off of her, searching for his pants. 

“What are you-“ she asks in alarm. Before she could finish her sentence, she saw the condom in his hand. She suddenly realized their current situation and just how exposed she was. 

Before the insecurities could creep in, he runs his hands down her sides in the gentlest way, as if she were fragile, as if she were glass, as if she would disappear in an instant if he dared to close his eyes. He kisses her softly, needing her to understand all that he was feeling. He was never good with words and communication. It never came out the way he wanted. 

In this moment, none of that mattered. After another few moments, he ripped open the package and slipped the condom on, and then he pushed himself into her. He clenched his fists around her head, steadying himself. 

“Lara Jean,” he whispered huskily, drinking in her moans as they began to move against each other. He started to quicken his pace, unable to control himself, thrusting deeper into her. She matched his actions, running her nails down his back, not caring if she was going to leave marks. She looked up at him, her eyes unreadable, and he leaned down, kissing her softly.

This was everything. She was everything.

-*-*-*-*-

It was early when they woke up. His pants had started buzzing non-stop on the floor and Peter realized it was his daily alarm. She was still groggy when he gently turned her towards him, her eyelids fluttering open. 

“Mmm. Hi.” She said with a small smile. 

He pressed a sweet kiss to her lips. “Good morning.”

“I need to run to work.” He said sadly and then grabbed her hand, kissing her palm. “But, can we get dinner tonight and talk?”

“Yes, takeout please.” 

“Of course.”

She kissed him again, this time deeper. He dressed quickly. Lara Jean marveled at how he was so functional this early in the morning. When he left, his cologne still lingered in the air and she fell back against her pillows, grabbing one and pushing it into her face, her scream of joy muffled.

-*-*-*-*-

She felt light, as if all the stress and anxiety from her entire week had slipped away. She nearly bounced to her 8AM class. This week’s class was a bit unusual. She typically taught alone but they were nearing finals period and the professor thought it was easier to combine sections. So, she found herself sitting next to John Ambrose McClaren at 7:55AM, going over their game plan for the class once again.

“So, we’re going to pass out these points and have the students debate each other. Even if they don’t agree with the point, they’ll need to talk through them anyway.” She started dividing up the prompts, one at each seat around the table.

“This is going to be fun.”

“Hand me your prompts.” 

His hand brushed against hers as he handed her the slips of paper. She felt a jolt of electricity go through her, being careful not to show this to him.

The students filed in after a few minutes. Lara Jean and John took turns explaining the debate structure. The first students stood up, facing each other, backs to the white board.

“Fanny Price is a feminist…”

John raised an eyebrow at Lara Jean from across the table, mouthing “Really??” to her.

She deliberately ignored him, her lips upturned in a smile.

-*-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean finished up with the last of her grade reports for the debate session around 11:30AM. She texted Chris.

Lara Jean: “Hey, I’m done with grading early. Lunch?? I can come to you.”

Chris: “Yes, please. One of my experiments blew up in my face today and I could use some sushi.”

Lara Jean: “I’ll be there in 20.”

Lara Jean was sitting on one of the many chairs around the entrance to Chris’s company building when she saw her walk through the glass doors. If you had told her all those years ago that Chris would be a researcher at a pharmaceutical company, she would’ve never believed it. Most of her days consisted of running experiments in the lab and analyzing findings, something that she had come to love. She got paid to try new things and sometimes, literally blow things up.

Chris bounded up to Lara Jean, sidling up next to her and bumping her shoulders. “Sooooooo, how was your evening? Eventful?”

“Very.” Lara Jean smiled. “I’ll tell you over lunch.”

As soon as they sat down and ordered, Lara Jean looked around them, eyes darting back and forth, paranoid at any potential audience.

“We did it.”

“You can say sex, Lara Jean.” Chris snorted. “You are 26 and I KNEW IT. Brownie points to me for always being a genius and predicting things. How was it?”

She harrumphed and crossed her arms across her chest. “Okay, fine. We had sex. And, it was fine.”

“It was fine?” Chris asked. “That doesn’t sound good. Sex should never be fine.”

“Ughh, okay, so it was amazing and soooo much better than I remembered it being.”

“Well, that’s not surprising since he’s probably had a lot of practice since then.”

Lara Jean looked down, biting her lip, and started fiddling with her chopsticks. “You think he sleeps around?”

Chris shrugged. “I mean he is a hot-blooded male in his 20’s. You can’t blame him but if you’re asking if you’re another fling then I would say no. You have not been flung, LJ.”

“Well, he flung me a little last night.” She blushed deep red.

“LJ, you dog!”

“Okay, I need your serious advice. What do you think I should do? Like do I talk to him about this?”

“You know you two are like the worst communicators I’ve ever seen. It’s actually shocking. Yes, you should definitely talk to him but don’t fuck it up. Remember what the end game is.”

Lara Jean looked down, tapping one chopstick against the table. “I don’t even know if I know what I want the end game to be.”

“We both know that’s a lie.” She could tell that Lara Jean didn’t want to talk about it further so she pivoted. “Did you tell Margot and Kitty yet?”

“Ughh, do I have to? They’re going to have so many questions. And, I mean, what if it doesn’t work out? I feel like Kitty took it worse than I did last time around. I don’t want to disappoint her again.”

“You need to tell them.”

“I’ll tell them after we talk. At least then I’ll know what’s actually happening here.”

“Okay.” Chris conceded. “Your life, your decision.”

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean had been bustling around her apartment for the entire afternoon, cleaning, doing laundry (fresh sheets!), and baking peppermint chocolate chip cookies. She hadn’t used peppermint chocolate chips in a while and was excited to see how they would turn out. 

The timer dinged the same moment that she heard a knock on the door. “One second!” She yelled out, quickly turning off the oven, and setting the tray of cookies out to cool. She opened the door and there he stood, takeout in hand, and the biggest smile on his face.

She leaned up towards him and kissed him gently. “Hi.”

He returned the kiss, pulling her into him, deepening it. “Hi Covey.”

When she pulled back, he held onto her waist, helping to steady her from the dizziness. She smiled up at him and took the takeout from his hands. “Oh my god, yum!”

And then they were both feasting, talking about how crazy the week was. Peter explained the current project he was working on though she didn’t really understand the minutiae. They talked about the debate in class and how her research was going.

She was picking at the crumbled fortune cookie when she asked him. “So, do you ever think about grad school or are you done forever with academics?”

“I think about business school sometimes.” He admitted. “I guess that’s part of the reason why I’m working so hard at my job. I’d love to be sponsored and have that paid for. No debt!”

“That’s the dream!”

“But, I’m not sure. I think maybe in a year I’ll start thinking seriously about taking the GMATs and applying. I don’t even know how I would do it with this job. I barely have time to sleep much less study.”

“I can help you with writing and verbal portions.” She offered. It slipped out of her mouth before she could stop herself. He just said that would be a year from now. 

“You’d be my tutor, Covey?” He asked, teasing. 

“I remember studying for the GREs and they were brutal. It’s time to pass on my wisdom.”

They drifted back into easy conversation, chatting about the last season of Game of Thrones, when Lara Jean started to get nervous. She needed to stop avoiding the inevitable discussion and just ask. Just do it, Chris’s voice was in her head.

“So, what are we?”

This caught Peter off guard. They were literally just talking about how it was such crap that Bran became King. 

“We’re whatever you want to be, Covey.” He wanted to tell her how he felt, how amazing it felt to have her back in his life again. How last night was special to him and how even now, all he wants to do is kiss her. But, he doesn’t, afraid of the risk of rejection. After all, Lara Jean Song-Covey always broke up with Peter Kavinsky. Not the other way around. She was the one that always left him. 

“So, friends?” It was a question not a statement. He tried to read her face and it was a careful neutral mask. He was impressed. She was usually so expressive. He could not hide the disappointment in his own face, however, taken aback by her suggestion. “Yeah, friends.” He agreed hollowly.

She hedged, again asking not stating. “Friends that have sex?”

His head snapped up and he stared at her intently, needing and wanting her to give a clue to what was going on in her head. Nothing. He cleared his throat. “Yes, Covey. Friends that have sex.” 

What the hell was he saying? What the hell were they doing? This was not at all what he thought this conversation would go and he shook his head, realizing just how pathetic he was. He finally got her back in his life and would agree to anything, desperately trying to stay in her life. He would take her in whatever way she would offer. If it was friends and casual sex – he would need to grow to be okay with that. He couldn’t lose her again. 

-*-*-*-*-


	6. Madness of madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for coming along for this ride. Enjoy!!

Light on me  
Because I can’t come to you  
You know that I can’t  
Show you me, give you me  
But, I still want you

\- “The Truth Untold” by BTS

Chapter 6: Madness of madness

Lara Jean’s breath hitched when she said it. “So, just friends?” She asked, imploring him to say no. And, when he agreed to it so easily, as if without a second thought, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, she almost flinched. No, she wasn’t going to let herself go down this path again. She steeled herself and forced her face to remain neutral. 

This was what he wanted. And, it made so much sense. He didn’t have time for a girlfriend. He had spent most of the night talking about how busy he was with work and it wasn’t right for her to force anything, especially since he didn’t see her like that anymore. 

So, they’d keep it casual. She could totally do that.

God, she couldn’t even lie to herself.

-*-*-*-*-

Peter stayed over that night. Lara Jean rolled over in bed and looked up at the ceiling. She couldn’t sleep. She turned, staring at his face through the darkness. He was still the most handsome guy that’d she’d ever seen in real life. She wanted to reach out and brush away the hair from his face but stopped herself from caressing him. She could hear the deep breathing emanating from him and see the steady rise and fall of his chest. 

“I don’t want to be just friends.” She whispered to him. There, she said it. Yes, she said it to him in his sleep but that was all the courage she could muster for the moment. She couldn’t let herself fall for him again. She closed her eyes, willing sleep to come so she didn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. This was a dangerous path to go down and she knew that she would spiral. She always did. 

Sleep evaded her and she stared at the red lights of her alarm clack. They blinked back 1:00AM, as if mocking her. Frustrated, she got out of bed and closed the door gently, not wanting to wake Peter. She looked at her phone and wondered if Kitty was still awake. It was late but then again, she was a college student and this was 1AM on a Friday night.

Kitty picked up on the third ring. Lara Jean could hear the commotion in the background. “Lara Jean, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” she whispered, grabbing her keys and stepping out into the hallway. She walked towards the lobby and sat in the fluffy chair, making herself comfortable. “I just need to talk to someone.”

“What did you do?” Her tone was accusing.

“I didn’t do anything!” She sighed. “I guess that’s part of the problem.” The whole story of what had been happening in the last week between her and Peter spilled from her lips before she could stop herself. Kitty listened patiently on the other end.

“Are you done? Can I say things now?”

“Yes, of course.”

“You’re a raging idiot.”

Lara Jean sputtered. “What? How am I the idiot when he’s the one that wants to be just friends?!”

“He very clearly does not want to be just friends and is probably just going along with this because you won’t tell him how you feel.”

“I don’t feel anything towards him, Kitty.” A lie. “It’s not like I’ve just been sitting here for the last 6 years, pining away for him. We broke up and I got over it.”

“No, you didn’t! I remember what you were like when you guys broke up. You were a goddamn mess. I don’t think you stopped crying for months.”

“What does that have to do with this now? It’s in the past.”

“You guys can’t pretend that you didn’t have a past. All those things actually happened, Lara Jean, and no matter how much you want to forget them and brush it under the rug, you can’t will away the feelings.”

Lara Jean was silent for a few moments, trying to formulate a response but she couldn’t. Kitty was right. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Tell him how you really feel.”

“Kitty, I can’t.” Her voice cracked again. “I’m terrified. He’s only come back into my life again for a week and all the emotions have just been rushing back and I can’t stop it. I can’t get hurt again.” She really shouldn’t be saying all this to her little sister who was probably just trying to have a good time at a party.

The voices had died down behind Kitty and Lara Jean could tell that she was probably outside or had snuck into a quiet room. “Lara Jean, he loves you. He never stopped loving you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do know that.” Kitty trailed off softly. “Did you know that when I was little, I looked up to you all so much? First, I wanted a love like mommy and daddy’s, then Margot and Josh’s, and then yours and Peter’s. I think I liked yours and Peter’s the best because at the root of it all, you guys were such good friends.” She paused for a moment. “When you guys broke up, I was so upset. It was like my perfect love story was ruined too.” She had never said this to Lara Jean before and Lara Jean’s heart broke a little further. She never meant to hurt Kitty. “I’m so happy for you guys. You found your way back to each other. Lara Jean, just let this be your love story. I know you want it to be.”

“Yeah.” Lara Jean replied though she didn’t even know what she was agreeing with. “Hey, I’ll let you go. I know you’re busy. Thanks for talking with me.”

“You can always call me.”

“I know. Love you.”

“Love you more. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Lara Jean snuck back into the apartment and her room. She slid under the covers and closed her eyes, sleep finally overtaking her. Next to her, Peter watched her, his face etched with concern.

-*-*-*-*-

They didn’t speak much when they first woke up. Lara Jean got up earlier to make pancakes and eggs for them. When Peter finally joined her in the kitchen, his arms went around her waist as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He kissed the top of her head. “How’d you sleep?”

“Great!” She lied, false cheeriness in her voice. “I’m making blueberry pancakes.”

“I’m so lucky,” he whispered into her hair, giving her a kiss on the neck.

She giggled and pushed him away. “You better stop or else you’re getting the burnt ones.”

“Thanks for making breakfast, Covey.” 

His smile was so real and her heart swelled. She couldn’t help but smile back. “Of course.”

-*-*-*-*-

They decide to go to the aquarium. The last time that she went to aquarium was junior year, on a school field trip. They had just broken up and he followed her into the quiet exhibit. She thought he was going to try to make up. Instead, he asked her for the necklace back. She remembered how she felt that day – like he had literally ripped a part of arm off, she was in so much pain. She had thought that was it. That was the end. 

And, here they were. 

He interlaced his fingers through hers and had to drag her away from the seals. 

“But they’re so cute!” She whined.

“Covey, we haven’t even gone through the front doors yet. Can we please just go in?” When she just wouldn’t leave, cooing through the glass at one of the seals, he smiled and rolled his eyes. “Alright, I’m going in without you.”

She didn’t care much, clearly distracted. He came out the doors a few minutes later, tickets in hand. “They’ve got an entire pool of penguins in there.”

“Oooo!” She squealed, quickly following him in. “Oh wait, send me a venmo request for the ticket.”

“I got it, Covey, don’t worry about it.”

She bit her lip and looked up at him, confusion coloring her brown eyes. 

“Think of it as a thank you for making breakfast.”

“Okay,” she said haltingly, not convinced. 

He grabbed her hand and led her towards the penguins and all thoughts about money fled from her mind. They wandered around the aquarium but eventually found themselves back at the penguins. Lara Jean leaned over the railing, staring at one particular penguin that had crawled his way to the highest rock, the one closest to the vent and air conditioning, plopping itself down comfortably, refusing to move. When other penguins tried to steal his spot, he just smacked them away with his fin. She needed to learn something from this penguin, she thought.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a buzz in her skirt. She reached for her phone.

John: “Did you see Professor Engell’s email?”

Lara Jean: “No, do I even want to know?”

John: “He wants us all to come in this afternoon to talk about the final.”

Lara Jean: “Are you serious? It can’t wait until Monday??”

John: “He said he wants to start his sabbatical research early and plans to leave for London tomorrow so no.”

Lara Jean: “Ughh, fine. I’m out right now but I’ll take a look and head back to campus in a bit.”

She glanced at Peter who had a faraway look in his eyes. “Hey, so I need to get back to campus for a meeting with a professor.”

“Right now?”

“Yeah, no rest for the weary, right?” She leaned up and gave him a light kiss at the corner of his lips. “This was nice though.”

It felt like a date. But, it definitely wasn’t. They were just friends hanging out.

“Yeah, it was.” Peter shoved his hands his jean pockets. “I guess I should head to Gabe’s earlier then. He keeps trying to get me to help him put together his furniture.”

“IKEA?”

“Yeah, so it’s going to take several hours.”

Lara Jean laughed. “Good luck with that!”

“It’s going to be a wild Saturday night.” He paused for a moment, suddenly grabbing her hands, rubbing circles into her palm. “Can I see you tomorrow?”

She looked at him with her head slightly tilted, surprised. Tomorrow was her writing day. She really shouldn’t. She needed to work but she couldn’t stop herself. “Yeah, sure.”

When she saw the smile on his face, it was worth it. She swallowed hard, smiling back. 

-*-*-*-*-

All the teaching fellows definitely appeared to be peeved that they still had to meet, so last minute, and on one of their few days off. But, they all filed in and listened to the professor discuss what he thought were the key criteria for grading the final papers. 

After their meeting, John bounded after Lara Jean, catching up with her. “Well, that could’ve definitely been an email.”

“I know, seriously.”

“What are you up to?”

“Well, I guess since I’m already thinking about class, I might as well just finish my reading for this week.”

John looked horrified. “It’s Saturday night and you’re just going to read?”

“Do you have a better idea?”

John’s eyes glimmered as he took her hand. “Come with me, Lara Jean, I can show you the world.”

She pushed him away, laughing. “You’re such a nerd.” Still, she followed after him.

-*-*-*-*-

“PK! You made it!”

Gabe’s apartment was big and spacious. Peter was impressed though it was Gabe so he should’ve expected nothing less. “Wow, this place is nice!”

“Yeah, it used to be a warehouse and they converted it into apartments. It can get a little drafty when it’s windy but still. Nice though, right?”

Peter nodded, walking around the living room. It looked even bigger without any furniture though it was still filled with unopened boxes.

“So, I’ve got pizza on the counter and beer in the fridge. Help yourself.” Gabe pointed towards his kitchen before resuming his current project of putting together his bookcase. “I’ve been trying to assemble bookshelves for the last hour.”

“You know you can have them assemble it for you, right?”

“I refuse to pay hundreds of dollars for someone to do something I can do myself for free.”

Peter rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his beer. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure the opportunity cost is a little skewed there but…” he shrugged and trailed off, sitting down on the floor and grabbing a plank. As they worked, Peter and Gabe chatted about their weeks. Gabe was a financial analyst at one of the big banks downtown. They both led parallel lives, their work situations often times overlapping. 

Gabe paused for a moment before deciding to ask. “So, how’d it go with Largie the other night?”

Peter pressed his lips together and sighed. “I guess as well as I could expect.”

“That doesn’t promising.”

“We decided that we would just be friends for now.”

Gabe scoffed. “That’s the worst idea. You guys can never go back to just being friends. You dated for years. You think all that’s just going to go away?”

“I don’t know. It’s what she wanted so I’m just going with it.”

Gabe looked at him seriously, shaking his head. “You remember what happened last time when you decided to just go with it, right?”

Yes. Painfully so, he remembered. 

“It’s what she wants.” He finished lamely.

Gabe raised an eyebrow and looked as if he was going to argue but in the end, he decided to leave it. It was best not to get himself involved. 

Peter started talking about the latest Nintendo Switch release and all the tension dissipated. It was several hours later when they finished building the bookcases. They lifted it up against the wall and Peter had to admit, it actually looked really good and filled up the space really nicely.

Gabe started to put away the tools when Peter asked. “Uhh, aren’t you supposed to secure it to the wall?

“Nah, man. It’ll be fine.”

“Alright but you’re taking yourself to the hospital when that thing falls on you.”

Gabe rolled his eyes, flipping him off. “Yo, you wanna go to a bar? There’s one right downstairs. Saturday night, right?”

Peter checked his watch. It was only 10PM and definitely way too early to go home. He briefly thought about texting Lara Jean and heading over to her place. But, she did say that she had some school stuff to do. No, he would leave it be for tonight.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

-*-*-*-*-


	7. You can't make it nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kind words! Some more smutty goodness ahead. Enjoy!!

Why is it so dark? This place without you  
You call me at will in this black darkness  
Because you shine like this  
Give me your hand, save me  
I need your love before I fall

\- “Save Me” by BTS

Chapter 7: You can’t make it nothing

By bar, Gabe meant lounge and as soon as Peter walked through the door, he realized that he had been conned. This was definitely not a chill bar as advertised and they were definitely not going to have a laid-back night out. It had been a while since he had gone out and had a fun night out though. Since moving and getting his promotion, he had spent most of his weekends recovering on the couch, watching sports highlights on YouTube. So, this was probably the more normal and socially acceptable thing for a 26-year-old single male to do.

He pushed through the crowd and got two beers, leaving Gabe to himself for a few moments. When he turned around, only a few minutes later, he saw that Gabe had already found himself a group of very well-dressed ladies to talk to. Typical.

Peter joined the group, handing Gabe his beer. Gabe immediately switched places with him so Peter could get closer to a pretty brunette in a tight red dress and high heels. “Peter, there you are. Meet Isabella. Isabella, this is Peter Kavinsky. He’s single.” Gabe raised his eyebrow at Peter as he said this, as if asking him to challenge the statement.

Isabella smiled and tipped her drink towards his. “Hi Peter Kavinsky.”

Peter shot a glare at Gabe quickly before recovering and saying his hellos. He kept a careful distance from Isabella throughout the conversation even though he could tell that she was very interested and likely ready to be romanced. It just didn’t feel right to flirt with her. Not when he had…

His thoughts trailed off and he thought about texting Lara Jean, asking how the rest of her afternoon went. She was probably studying and baking, her hair piled on top of her head in a messy bun as she sat on the couch, dressed in her cat pajamas, books spread out all around her.

Gabe shoved him a bit, bringing Peter back to the present and his current situation. Right, he needed to play wingman. So, he turned on the charm and talked Gabe up to Natasha, who he had met a few minutes ago. The music suddenly got louder and Gabe nodded his head along to the beat, hand in hand with Natasha, following her to the dance floor.

Peter leaned back against the ledge of the bar, sipping his beer. Isabella cocked her head towards the dance floor and flashed him her best smile. “Want to dance, Peter Kavinsky?”

He hesitated but saw Gabe giving him a look and mouthing “Come on!” to him. Peter held out his hand and she immediately placed hers in his. He was careful to place a safe distance between them. He really didn’t like leading women on. Isabella definitely knew how to dance but he found himself thinking about how good Lara Jean danced, even when she thought she was making a fool of herself and even when she was being silly. She always looked good whatever she was doing.

He shook his head. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about her? Why did every thought lead back to her?

He thought about his options. He could either sulk about Lara Jean for the rest of the night or his brain could shut the fuck up and let him actually enjoy the night with the pretty brunette in front of him. He wrapped his arms around Isabella’s waist, deciding on the latter.

-*-*-*-*-

“Axe throwing, really?” Lara Jean raised an eyebrow. “Did you forget that I nearly tripped on the stairs the first time that we met?”

“I remember that moment fondly, LJ. I think of it often.” 

She knew he was only teasing as he usually did but she couldn’t help that her stomach still fluttered with his comment. “Okay, I’m just telling that you knew what you signed up for when you brought me here. I accept no responsibility if I accidentally injure you.”

“Just throw it in that direction.” John pointed towards the target. “And not at this.” He waved towards his face. 

The first throw was clumsy and she barely threw it six feet. The second throw was much better. It was all in the wrist action and she just needed to flick it right. She hit the outer rim of the target on her fifth try and she and John both cheered, giving each other high fives.

“You better keep up, McClaren.” She held a finger to lip. “What do they call this? I believe it’s called kicking your butt.”

He scoffed dramatically. “How dare you. Are those fighting words, ma’am?”

“You’re on. First one to hit the center target has to bring each other coffee and pastries to our next study session.”

“Oh, you’re on.”

They started whipping their axes frantically. Lara Jean realized she was probably being a little too aggressive with her throwing but she couldn’t stop herself. She was having so much fun. Her 10th axe hit the center, right on and she jumped up yelling. 

“I did it. All hail me!”

John laughed at her, throwing his head back as he whooped. “Ahh, you are a true master. I will never compare.”

“I’m glad you’ve finally realized this.” Lara Jean laughed, her cheeks almost hurting from how much she was smiling. And for the first time that whole night, she didn’t think about Peter Kavinsky at all.

-*-*-*-*-

Peter and Gabe were laughing when they finally exited the bar, hours later. Gabe clapped his hands together. “That was a successful night.”

“Natasha seems awesome. I’m glad you met her tonight.”

“And what about Isabella? Don’t think I didn’t see you guys dancing together all night, PK.”

Peter shrugged. It wasn’t a big deal.

Gabe looked at him, his expression exasperated. “She gave you her number, right? Are you going to call her?”

“No,” Peter said immediately.

“Why the hell not?” 

Peter could hear the genuine frustration in Gabe’s voice.

“You know why the hell not.”

Gabe shook his head. “Peter, I’m saying this as your best friend. You cannot let another fake relationship with Largie fuck with your head. If you guys really are just friends then act like it. You should call Isabella.”

He knew Gabe was right but he couldn’t help the guilt. Isabella was not the one that he wanted to kiss. She wasn’t the one that he wanted to hold, caress, and spend the evening watching movies with. It just didn’t feel right. 

Gabe sighed when Peter remained silent. “I just want what’s best for you, man. I hate seeing you hung up like this.”

“Yeah, I know.”

The logical part of his brain wanted to agree with Gabe but the rest of him, his heart and his body just screamed no. 

Gabe gave Peter a big pat on the back. “You know you’re my boy, right? Just looking out for you.”

“Thanks man.”

“Dude, if y’all are going to keep doing this can you at least bring me some of Largie’s cookies next time?”

Peter laughed before getting in an Uber, heading back home. He whipped out his phone. It was late but she might still be up. 

Peter: “I hope you had a good night.”

He was surprised when she responded, thanking his good luck that she was still awake.

Lara Jean: “Oh, it was great. I threw some axes and got out all that pent up annoyance I was feeling towards classes.”

Peter: “You threw axes, Covey? Did everybody around you end up in the hospital?”

She sent him an emoji with its tongue sticking out and he smiled.

Peter: “You wanna come over tomorrow? Or I guess today?”

Lara Jean: “Sure. But, I’m warning you that I’m bringing my books.”

Peter: “Really?”

Lara Jean: “You know Sunday is my study day!”

He hesitated for a moment before typing out the next text.

Peter: “You know all the activities I imagined us doing have nothing to do with reading, right?”

Lara Jean: “I know what you imagined, Peter Kavinsky, but you’re going to have to keep it in your pants until I finish reading.”

He liked this version of her. She was so sassy.

Peter: “Alright, fine. Reading and then sex.”

Lara Jean: “I’m not responding to you anymore. Good night, Peter. Text me your address.”

Peter: “You just can’t resist my charm, Lara Jean. Don’t deny it.”

Lara Jean: “This is me not responding. GOOD NIGHT.”

By the time he got home, he was absolutely exhausted. He stripped quickly and mindlessly, throwing his shirt and pants into the hamper, not noticing the slip of paper fall out onto the floor, right next to the nightstand.

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean showed up at his door a little before noon with snickerdoodle cookies and homemade sandwiches. He made a mental note to save some cookies for Gabe. She walked into the apartment, following his lead and marveled at how big it was. His living room had floor to ceiling windows. She peered down at the panoramic view that he had of downtown.

“Wow,” she said sheepishly. “Your place is so nice.” It looked like one of those apartments that she had seen in Trina’s home and design magazines.

“Thanks. The place came furnished so that made my life easier when I moved up here. I’m not great with picking out furniture and having stuff match.”

She walked over to his kitchen and spread herself over the marble countertop island, hugging it. “Oh my god, your kitchen is gigantic. I am so jealous. If I had a kitchen like this, I would never eat out.” She moved to his fridge and opened it. “Except why is this completely empty except for some ketchup and beer?”

“Bachelor lifestyle, Covey,” he teased, pulling her towards him. He encircled his arms around her waist, holding her tight against him. She could hear his heartbeat as she leaned up to kiss him. He pressed his lips against hers insistently, drinking her in. She tasted like cinnamon sugar. 

Peter led her towards the bedroom, swiftly and adeptly moving them around the furniture, still kissing. They collapsed onto the bed, her on top of him. She straddled his lap as he unbuttoned her shirt, slipping it off her shoulders. And then his lips were on her neck and she couldn’t stop the moan that escaped. He sucked hard, nipping at the skin, wanting to leave a mark. Wanting something of permanence to show that this happened, that this wasn’t a figment of his imagination, that what they were doing was real. 

He stood up, undressing slowly, his eyes holding hers steadily. When he was done, he grabbed onto her hips and slid the jeans she was wearing down her legs, torturously slow, kissing the exposed skin along the way. She pulled off her panties and in the next moment, he was massaging her clit, inserting a finger into her slowly and gently. 

She grinded against his hand, moaning in pleasure. He moved faster and she bit her lip, the sensations overtaking her. He could still read her body so well as if he had it memorized. When he could tell that she was close, he stopped, reaching up and kissing her on the nose softly. He reached towards the drawer in his nightstand and pulled out a condom, ripping it open with his teeth.

She felt him push into her and she bit his shoulder as he thrusted slowly, as if he wanted to savor every moment. They fell into a familiar pace and he moved above her. He looked into her eyes, his expression intense, and she could feel the electricity in the air. He leaned down and kissed her hard, insistent against her lips. She gave into him, her breathing heavy as she moaned in pleasure. 

“Peter, I’m almost-“ and then she felt the sensations explode within her body as she shuddered around him. He came soon after, burying his face into her hair. 

They laid next each other in silence for a few moments, both breathing heavily. She slapped him on the chest half-heartedly. “I was supposed to study first!”

“What can I say? You just can’t resist me.”

She rolled her eyes, pulling the sheet up around her chest. She leaned over and kissed him softly. “I’m glad you came back into my life, Peter.”

And for a moment, it takes everything within him not to just tell her the truth about all he was feeling. But, she escaped from his grasps, slipping on his shirt and her panties as she headed for the bathroom. Peter leaned back against the headboard, closing his eyes momentarily, trying his best to gather up his nerve. He’ll tell her when she gets back.

She skipped back to the bed, stepping on something. She bounced onto the bed and examined her foot. It was a piece of paper.

“What’s this?”

Peter opened his eyes before widening them in horror, trying his best to grab it from her before she could read it. “Nothing.”

“Isabella, call me. 617-247-9846?” She read out loud. “Peter, what is this?”

He knew he had nothing to feel guilty about because they had made no promises to each other. But, the way that she was looking at him now, her eyes wide with hurt and concern, so beautiful and fragile, he hated himself for making her feel this way.

“It’s nothing.”

“It has a lipstick heart on it. It doesn’t look like nothing.” She hated how jealous she sounded like this was junior year all over again and they were fighting over his relationship with Gen. 

He knew he shouldn’t get defensive but his old habits were hard to suppress. “Why do you care? We’re just friends, right?”

This was the worst thing that he could’ve said as she stared at him, in shock. She knew that he had a point but she couldn’t control the jealousy and hurt that bubbled within. She opened her mouth to say something before closing it, getting off the bed to gather her clothes. 

“Lara Jean, don’t-“

“Peter, I’m fine. You’re right, I don’t care. We’re just friends and this is totally fine.” She said in a rush, slipping her jeans back on. “I need to go home and study.”

“Lara Jean, stop.” He got off the bed and held onto her shoulders firmly, forcing her to stop her movement and listen to his explanation. “It really meant nothing.” He said seriously. “Gabe and I went to a bar last night and this girl slipped me her number. I completely forgot it was even in my clothes when I got home.” 

She wouldn’t look at him, staring a hole into the floor. 

“I promise you, Covey, she’s got nothing on you.” He lifted her chin and places the softest kiss against her lips. He breathes a sigh of relief when she kisses him back. 

“I don’t want to stop doing this,” she whispered against his chest as he held her.

“Neither do I.”

-*-*-*-*-


	8. This beautiful prison

Come home and lie in bed  
Thinking if it was my fault?  
Are you going to be happy?  
Turn this all around  
When everything is new, zero o’clock

\- “Zero O’Clock” by BTS

Chapter 8: This beautiful prison

It was 9PM on a Thursday and Lara Jean was baking, sifting the flour, mixing the dry ingredients, and then adding the butter and eggs. She did this without even thinking or looking at the recipe, instead biting the cap of the red pen, marking a few edits to the paper that she was currently grading. She put the pen behind her ear and whisked the batter. Then she was scooping the dough out onto the greased pan and placing the tray in the oven. She washed off her bowls and supplies, making another mark on the paper before writing the final grade on the front, circling it. She wiped down the counter and grabbed the next paper. 

She heard a knock on her door and moved to open it. It was Peter. She could see the dark circles under his eyes and bit her lip in worry. “How was your day?”

“Exhausting,” he said, kissing her gently before moving to take off his jacket and putting his laptop bag on the counter stool. He took off his tie and fell back against the couch. “But, the client loved the presentation so it was all worth it in the end. I’m done for now.”

“That’s great!” She nodded towards the oven. “I’m making cookies. They’ll be ready in a few minutes.”

He stood up and went to the fridge and took out last night’s takeout, moving around her kitchen in a familiar fashion, knowing exactly where the plates and cutlery were. He placed some noodles in the microwave before gathering her into a hug. Her small form molded against his. 

“How was your day?” He asked, his face buried in her hair.

“It was good! I basically didn’t leave the house. Just stayed home and graded but I got so much done! I only have a few left and then it’s full on research mode.”

He smiled. “That’s amazing. Do I want to know what full on research mode looks like?”

“Expect a lot more cookies.”

“Well, I can’t complain about that.” 

The microwave beeped and he got out his food, sitting on the stool and taking a bite of his noodles, watching as she moved around the kitchen gracefully, removing the cookies from the oven and moving them to the cooling rack. Lara Jean poured him a glass of water. They talked a bit more about how his client presentation went and what project he was likely going to be put on next. When he was done with his food, he cleaned off his dishes and helped her clean up the kitchen. 

They moved to the living room with a plate of cookies. Peter put on the next episode of the BBC miniseries they were watching. When a week had passed and he hadn’t read a single page, Lara Jean realized that there was no way he was going to actually read the book she gave him despite her pestering. She opted to make him watch the BBC version of North and South, thinking it might convince him to read the original source material. 

Lara Jean cuddled against Peter’s chest as he draped an arm over her shoulder, cookie in the other hand. 

“Richard Armitage is so dreamy.”

“Wasn’t this the same guy that was the angry dwarf dude in the Hobbit?”

“You mean Thorin Oakenshield?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

She smacked him gently against his chest, leaning up for a kiss. “Don’t worry, you’re much dreamier.”

“Thank you for thinking of my fragile ego, Covey.”

She smacked him again, this time a little harder and leaned back against his arms.

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean and Chris were sitting on the grass next to Chris’s office building, eating their sandwiches, discussing their next trip to New York City the following week. It was their turn to visit Lucas. Chris pointed out a few art exhibitions that she wanted to check out and Lara Jean listened, nodding every so often.

“What’s up?” Chris nudged her foot, kicking her shoe against Lara’s Jean’s. “You seem distracted.”

“I’m fine.” Lara Jean forced a smile.

Chris remained unconvinced, lowering her sunglasses so she could look Lara Jean in the eye. “You can tell me, LJ.”

Lara Jean fiddled with a blade of grass and shook her head. “I’m just being stupid.” She paused for a moment and then divulged her concerns about how she had found another woman’s phone number at Peter’s apartment last week. 

Chris raised an eyebrow at this. “And, what did he say?”

“He said it was nothing. That he and Gabe were just out and she slipped him her number.”

Chris was quiet for a few moments before she finally responded. “I think PK is telling the truth. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again - he only has eyes for you.”

Lara Jean threw herself back against the grass, frustrated. “I don’t know what to think anymore.” She sat back up. “When we’re together, everything just clicks. And, I don’t feel like we’re just friends, we’re something more. At least, to me, we are.” She sighed. “I don’t know if I want to pretend anymore.” 

As much as she wanted to deny it, her feelings for Peter went far beyond platonic. His mere presence stirred sensations in her being. She found herself missing him during random moments throughout the day. He had been coming over to her apartment after work almost every night and they would spend their evenings telling each other about their days and relaxing, recuperating from the day. It was all so domestic and normal. And, she knew without a doubt that she was falling for him again.

This was a dark and windy path that she was going down. She was putting herself at risk of having her heart broken again. 

Chris grabbed Lara Jean’s hand, squeezing gently. “I know, LJ. I don’t think you guys were ever really pretending.”

“What do you mean?”

“You are both incapable of doing casual relationships. You and Kavinsky have always thrown yourselves completely into things when it comes to love.” Chris looked at her intently. “You have to tell him how you feel.”

Lara Jean bit her lip. “I know.”

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean decided that she liked it better when Peter was in between projects. His hours were much more manageable and she noticed that he seemed much more relaxed, the tension disappearing from between his shoulder blades. Another week had passed and she still hadn’t mustered up the courage to tell Peter how she felt, despite Chris’s constant pestering via text. She had avoided the group chat with Kitty and Margot too. She just really needed people to stop pressuring her. She would tell Peter, really, she would. She just needed time to find the right words. 

Lara Jean had her clothes thrown over her bed as she debated what to pack. Peter was under her covers, finally reading the book that she had given him. He looked at her and smiled. 

“You’re packing for a weekend and not three weeks, right?” He surveyed all the different outfits that she laid out.

“Shut it!” She complained. “Chris and I are going backstage at Lucas’s new show and I need to look amazing. Like I fit in with these famous Broadway celebrities and I’m not just some frumpy mess.” She held up a sparkly blue dress and then threw it back onto the bed.

“Ughhh!” She flopped onto the bed dramatically and looked up at Peter. “I don’t have anything to wear.”

“Covey, you’re going to look amazing in whatever you decide to wear.” He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. 

“You have to say that because we’re having sex.”

He shook his head and laughed. “I actually probably shouldn’t be saying that because we’re just friends that have sex.” The smile faded on his lips.

She leaned forward and pulled him into a deep kiss. She should tell him now. This was the perfect opportunity to do it. 

She faltered, her courage dissipating. She just couldn’t. “You make everything better, Peter Kavinsky.”

He looked at her and smiled softly, cradling her cheek in his palm. “You’re not so bad yourself, Covey.” 

She crawled off the bed and went back to her closet, furiously moving her hangers back and forth as she searched for the right outfit. She didn’t notice the way that Peter clenched his fists, his eyes closed, desperately trying to stop himself from saying anything further.

-*-*-*-*-

Lucas had a tiny one bedroom apartment, basically the size of a studio, in a 5th floor walkup in the heart of the Lower East Side. It was perfect for him and even as she and Chris cuddled together on the hard floor of his living room, she knew there was nowhere else in the world that he belonged. Chris propped herself up on her elbow, taking a sip of wine, looking at Lucas who was sitting on the couch.

“I envy your life here.”

Lucas laughed. “Well, maybe you should’ve moved here instead of Boston.”

“Ughh,” she rolled her eyes. “Don’t make me regret finally deciding to be a responsible adult.” She huffed and jutted out her lower lip. “I hate being an adult. It really is the worst thing.”

Lara Jean tipped her wine glass towards Chris. “Can you believe that out of the three of us, you actually have the most stable career?”

“Oh god,” Chris moaned, “Don’t say it like that!”

Lara Jean and Lucas gained up on her and started teasing Chris, who swatted them away, howling. “Don’t make me spill my wine!”

They broke apart in a fit of giggles. Lara Jean climbed up to the couch and leaned her head against Lucas’s shoulder as they started the next episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. 

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean had finally decided on a cream lace dress with small pearls delicately lining the scalloped edges of the neck line. She pulled her hair up in a loose bun on top of her head, tendrils of hair falling down to frame her face.

As they entered the backstage area, Lucas snapped a picture of her walking, capturing the smile and wonderment on her face as she looked around in awe. He posted it on his Instagram, tagging Lara Jean. Both their phones buzzed in their pockets a few seconds later.

Peter had commented on Lucas’s post: “The fairest of them all.” Followed by an angel emoji.

Lucas raised an eyebrow, holding his phone up towards Lara Jean. “You wanna tell me about this?”

Lara Jean quickly darted her eyes away. “We’re just friends.”

“Uh huh,” Lucas said, unconvinced, as he led her and Chris towards the dressing rooms to meet the cast.

-*-*-*-*-

Peter’s attention drifted in and out. He was at a bar with some of his co-workers and all they seemed to want to talk about was work. Most weeks, he worked 60 to 80 hours. Talking about work was the last thing he wanted to do during his time off. This is why he didn’t go out. 

A pretty young blonde approached him. He vaguely remembered her. Amber? Amy? It was something like that. He had worked with her on his last local project. She was bright, driven, and inquisitive. She definitely had a future in their industry. He nodded along to what she was saying, not really paying attention.

His phone buzzed and he looked down, excusing himself for a moment. Lucas had posted a picture of Lara Jean. He knew how excited she was about meeting the actors backstage and smiled. She looked perfect. He typed in a comment and slipped his phone back in his pocket.

The blonde returned, placing her hand against his forearm, squeezing suggestively. He immediately took a big step back and shook his head, almost as if scalded. 

“Sorry, I’m-“ he started.

She quickly interrupted, an embarrassed flush creeping over her cheeks. “I’m so sorry! Kim mentioned you were single so.” She trailed off.

“No, not really.” He finished lamely. 

She nodded her head in disappointment. “I’m really sorry. I’m going to go over there now.” She awkwardly shifted away from him.

Peter stared after her as she walked away. Gabe was right. What was his deal? He and Lara Jean were so far gone now down this path. He knew they had moved way past just friends. Most nights, he found himself sleeping over at her apartment, her small frame curled up against his. Friends did not do that. 

God, this was messy. And, he knew that he was every bit to blame as she was. 

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean had lost Lucas and Chris somewhere on the third floor of MoMA. She had forgotten just how big the museum was. She took the escalator up to the 5th floor, wandering the galleries aimlessly, until she found herself in front of a painting of a woman lying on a field, her gaze pointed up towards the house. The woman dressed in pink looked so helpless, as if she couldn’t get up, desperately pining for something that was so close yet so far away, never able to reach her desires. Lara Jean stared at the painting, getting lost in the strokes and undulations in the paint.

“Ahh, Wyeth,” Chris said, suddenly standing next to her. “Probably one of my favorite mid-20th century painters.”

Lara Jean murmured her agreement as she followed Chris around the rest of the gallery. Nothing else she saw quite struck a chord within her like the Wyeth, however. 

Lara Jean was browsing the gift shop alone, somehow losing Chris and Lucas yet again. She looked through the postcards, picking out three to send to Margot and Ravi, Kitty, and her dad and Trina. She stopped at the magnets, her eye caught by a blur of pink. It was the Wyeth painting with a cropped focus on the main woman figure, her desires and wants magnified by the up close focus. Lara Jean plucked it off the display, deciding to purchase it as well.

Her phone buzzed and she looked at it, thinking it was Peter. But, it was John Ambrose.

John: “Happy weekend, LJ! Research date tomorrow? I still owe you pastries and coffee, if I remember correctly.”

Lara Jean: “Oh yes, from your crushing defeat?”

John: “Yes, I know. The memory is forever burned into my brain. Widener at 10AM?”

Lara Jean: “Sounds good. See you there.”

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean mostly slept on the bus ride back to Boston, leaning her head against the window, feeling Chris cuddled against her shoulder. As their bus got off the highway and entered South Station, she nudged Chris, waking her up.

“Oh god, my back,” Chris complained as she stretched.

Lara Jean was about to open her mouth to tease Chris when she shushed her.

“Don’t say it. Just don’t.”

Lara Jean giggled as she grabbed her bags, joining the single file line off the bus. She hopped off the bus and walked into the terminal, not really paying attention to her surroundings. She felt herself being gathered into strong arms.

“Welcome back, Covey.” Peter said into her hair, kissing her neck. 

She looked at him surprised. “Peter! What are you doing here?”

“Picking you up.” He said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He grabbed her bag, taking it from her hands. 

“Let me say goodbye to Chris and we can head out.” She gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

Chris was watching them with an amused expression. She hugged Lara Jean. “Right, because this is totally something ‘just a friend’ would do.”

“Shut up.” Lara Jean said as she hugged her tightly. “Lunch this week?”

“Of course.”

Lara Jean walked back to Peter, almost shyly. He interlaced his fingers through hers and as they walked out of the terminal. She couldn’t deny that this was the happiest that she had been in years. 

-*-*-*-*-


	9. I've always been the easy kill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the roads have been leading to this - the confrontation between Lara Jean, Peter, and John Ambrose! This was painful but necessary. My heart is still aching. Thank you for all your kind words and I hope you have been enjoying this ride.

Tell me about eternity just one more time  
All I need is that one phrase  
That you’ll never change  
You’ve got the best of me  
So please just don’t leave me

\- “Best of Me” by BTS

Chapter 9: I’ve always been the easy kill

John watched Lara Jean in amusement as she gobbled up a croissant. She nearly squealed when she saw the box of treats. He had gone off campus to her favorite bakery in the city to get all her favorites. He hushed her, not wanting to distract the other students studying the library. He opened the box and let her take first pick.

They fell into a comfortable silence as they each did their own reading. The only noise that permeated the study space was the light clacking of fingers flying across the keyboard. Lara Jean bit the cap of her pen before tapping it against the desk, repeatedly, lost in thought.

“Something bothering you?” John asked. 

She leaned in, whispering, highly aware of the many other students around them. “Sometimes I think every heroine that Jane writes is a reflection of herself. I think I can see a bit of her in Elizabeth, Elinor, Emma, and Anne.”

“Not Fanny?” John asked, teasingly.

“You’re annoying.” She joked. “What do you think? Do you think this is worth pursuing?”

He paused for a moment, thinking over her premise. “I definitely think so. I think you should put together a profile and then go to the books and find passages that support it. Present it to your advisor. I think they’d support you.”

She nodded, giddily bouncing in her seat. “I’m doing it.” She said excitedly, returning to her reading.

A few hours later, their study session was interrupted by John’s phone buzzing against the table.

“Sorry,” he quickly apologized, reading the texts. He looked up at Lara Jean and started playing with the closed book on the table. He almost looked nervous.

“Hey, so are you around this weekend?”

Lara Jean nodded. “Why, are you planning on studying over the weekend too?”

“No, it’s not that.” He laughed awkwardly. “My roommates and I are having a party Saturday night. You should come. I live close to the Yard so it’ll be close for you.”

She leaned forward and clasped her hands together. “You know I hate parties, right?”

He laughed again, genuinely this time. “Come on, LJ. It’s an end of the semester party. Even you need to celebrate that the semester is finally over.”

“You know the semester ended two weeks ago, right?”

“Are you coming or not?” 

“Yes,” she conceded and added as an after-thought. “Can I bring a friend?”

“Yeah, sure. The more the merrier.”

-*-*-*-*-

The rest of the week passed by in a blur. She had finally finished grading and inputting all the final scores so she was officially free to focus on her research. Peter was still in between projects so his days were more relaxed. The weather was nicer now and Lara Jean finally felt that summer had arrived. 

It felt more official when she had finally put away all her winter coats for the season and replaced her wardrobe with her summer clothing. She was in a pretty yellow sundress, enjoying the warmth of the sun against her skin. She was studying at an outdoor café, Peter next to her, typing away at his laptop. It was nice when he worked from home. Was that what they were to each other? Home?

She put her book down and sat up against her chair, taking a slow sip of her iced coffee. “What are you doing this weekend?”

“You asking me out, Covey?” He asked, teasing.

She rolled her eyes. “One of my friends in my program is having a party so,” she trailed off.

“I thought you didn’t like parties.”

“I don’t,” she replied automatically. “But, I know you do.”

He raised an eyebrow. “So you want me to go in case you need me to bail you out.”

“Exactly,” she pouted and looked at him with her best pleading eyes. “Pretty please?”

“Fine, Covey, but you owe me.” She found herself getting lost in his eyes, entranced by his charming smile.

Her phone buzzed, interrupting the moment, and she looked down, realizing the time. “Oh crap! I gotta go. I’m supposed to meet Chris for lunch.”

It was his turn to pout now. “Leaving already?”

She got up and gathered her things, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow night! Come by my place around 8PM?”

“See you then.”

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean nearly ran over a nice, old lady holding the door open for her as she approached the sushi restaurant. She smiled at the kind woman before rushing in, sliding into the empty seat across from Chris who had already ordered herself a green tea and appetizer.

“I’m so sorry,” she said in a rush. 

“This is so unlike you, LJ, to be late?” Chris said, amused at how disheveled her best friend was.

Lara Jean tried her best to tame her hair and put her bag on the chair. “I was studying and got distracted – sorry!”

“Studying, ehh?” Chris asked knowingly. “Is that what they call it now?”

They ordered their meals quickly, barely even looking at the menu as they always got the same thing. Lara Jean was taking a bite of her sashimi when Chris asked her about her weekend plans. Chris was trying to convince her to come to an opening of a new bar downtown tomorrow night.

“I can’t! I have plans. Peter and I are going to party.”

“You’re going to a party?” Chris asked. “I thought you hated parties.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Lara Jean complained. “I don’t hate all parties. I can be fun too.”

“Yeah, okay. Whose party is this?”

“John Ambrose’s.”

Chris’s eyes widened at this. “You’re taking Peter to John Ambrose’s party.” She said slowly, as if the words were foreign to her.

Lara Jean shrugged. “Yeah, why not?”

Chris started laughing hysterically as Lara Jean stared at her in confusion. “You have got to be joking me.”

“What is the big deal?”

Chris shook her head, reached forward and clasped Lara Jean’s hand in her own. “Oh, my sweet summer child, never change.” She raised an eyebrow. “You know this is a terrible idea, right?”

Lara Jean didn’t understand and Chris sighed.

“You’re bringing your fake boyfriend to a party hosted by the guy that has an enormous crush on you?” Chris thought about it for a moment. “I only wish I could be there to see the massacre.”

Lara Jean waved her off. “We’re all just friends.”

Chris snorted and crossed her arms. “Okay, LJ,” she said in a sing-song voice. “Can you just FaceTime me when they fight though?”

Lara Jean stuffed another piece of sashimi into her mouth, ignoring Chris. She quickly changed the subject to the bar opening which sufficiently distracted Chris from the topic of her love life. Chris was so wrong. Everything was going to be fine. It’s not like Peter even had feelings for her beyond friendship, right? She was the only one with the feelings and so she was the only person at risk for getting hurt. Besides, John Ambrose didn’t even think of her like that.

She nodded to herself, utterly convinced of these lies.

-*-*-*-*-*-

John Ambrose’s apartment was small and as Lara Jean waded through the crowd, Peter close behind her, she was surprised that so many people fit into the space. The music was pounding and the air was thick with the heat of so many bodies. 

Lara Jean tucked herself into the corner of the living room, closest to the books, where she felt the most comfortable. Peter was completely at ease and pointed towards the direction of bar, motioning that he would grab some drinks for them. Lara Jean held her arms at her side, looking around for any familiar faces. She spotted some other teaching fellows by the couch and moved to sit down next to them. Peter returned a few minutes later and she introduced him to everyone. 

Lara Jean noticed the way that some of her classmates were eyeing Peter and couldn’t help but be amused. Of course. Peter was tall, attractive, and charming. It didn’t surprise her at all that women were interested. She felt a tinge of jealousy but quickly tamped it down. She moved closer to him on the couch, her knees bumping against his. He smiled at her and squeezed her arm, letting his hand fall close to hers, their fingers touching as they talked. It was intimate and she knew they were probably sitting too close to each other but she couldn’t find it within herself to move away, enjoying the way that he smiled and paid attention to her.

After a while, she pressed a hand to his chest and whispered in his ear, “I’m going to pop to the restroom. Good luck with this.” She tilted her head towards the group of women, who were staring at him like he was a tasty treat.

Lara Jean weaved her way through the crowd, getting in the line for the bathroom. She pulled out her phone to pass the time as she waited. The line was faster than expected and as Lara Jean exited the bathroom, she searched for Peter but couldn’t find him. She was in the hallway when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“John Ambrose!”

“LJ, you made it!”

“Your place is nice!” She exclaimed above the noise. She saw that he was saying something but she couldn’t really hear over the noise. She leaned in closer to him, her mouth right by his ear. “Sorry, I can’t really hear you.”

He pulled her down the hallway where there were less people. “I was just saying that you look great. And, thanks for coming!” He took a sip of his beer. “You want the grand tour?”

She smiled. “Yes please!”

He pointed in the direction of the crowd. “Kitchen and living room that way. Bathroom.” He walked a little further down the hallway and opened a door. “This is my room.”

Lara Jean stood at the entrance, leaning against the door frame, not wanting to step fully into his room. This felt intimate. And weird. 

“This is nice,” she said, clasping her hands together, not moving from the entrance.

“You can come in, LJ,” John said, amused. “I promise I don’t bite.”

“I should really get back,” she nodded towards the party. 

John stepped forward, closing the space between their bodies. Lara Jean could smell the alcohol on his breath. Liquid courage, right? He wrapped his hand around hers. 

“Lara Jean, I need to tell you-“ He paused and looked at a point behind her. “Can I help you, buddy?”

Lara Jean didn’t want to turn around. She could already feel the intensity of Peter’s stare as she slowly turned on her heel. Peter stared straight at her, his brown eyes turning darker, and Lara Jean almost flinched from the intensity.

“We need to go,” He said calmly. Too calmly.

Lara Jean moved away from John. She touched his arm gently and said, “I’m sorry but I need to go.” She could see Peter’s jaw clenching as she touched John. She pulled her hand back quickly.

John stared after her, confused, continuing to dart his gaze between Lara Jean and Peter. He didn’t stop her though. “Of course,” he said. “We’ll talk later.”

Lara Jean quietly followed Peter out of the party. It was much easier to let him lead. People seemed to naturally get out of his way as if sensing the tension emanating from him. The five minute walk back to her apartment was silent and torturous. Lara Jean kept darting glances back and forth between his face and the sidewalk beneath her. She was trying so hard to read him but he gave nothing away. He remained stoic, his mouth forming a hard, flat line. 

She opened the door to her apartment and stepped inside, kicking off her shoes. She steeled herself, walking towards the living room.

“Do you like him?”

Lara Jean turned around and looked at him, confused. “Peter, what-?”

He stopped her and repeated, emphasizing every word. “Do. You. Like. Him?”

“No,” she whispered. “He’s just a friend.”

“Right, friends.” He scoffed. “Friends like us?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” She stood firm in the living room, her body wanting to go to him, but she stopped herself. 

“I think you know exactly what it means, Covey.”

“I don’t know what you want from me, Peter.” She balled her hands into fists and shook her head vehemently. “I can’t do this.” She started to walk away from him and it felt just like it did all those years ago. The rejection tasted cold and bitter against his tongue. He wasn’t enough for her then and it seemed he still wasn’t enough for her now.

Peter walked towards her, closing the distance between their bodies. He grabbed her arm, whispering harshly against her hair. “Covey, I won’t let you do this again. I won’t let you walk away.”

She looked up at him, her eyes watery with tears. “I wasn’t the only one that walked away, Peter. We both did.” She moved away from him again, wrapping her arms around herself, as if it would protect her.

He looked at her, confused. “I never walked away from you, Lara Jean.” He felt like he was baring his soul to her. “I only agreed to breaking up because it was what you wanted.”

She shook her head violently. “Why didn’t you fight for me?” Her voice was small and fragile.

“Is that what you really wanted, Lara Jean? Be honest with yourself.”

She couldn’t stop the words from escaping now. “I wanted you to want me to stay and tell me that you refused to break up with me. I wanted you to try to win me back, like you did all those years ago in high school. But, you just forgot me.” The tears were streaming down her face. “You forgot me so easily. I saw your Instagram and just two weeks later, you were tagged in posts where girls were hanging all over you. And, it just felt like everything we had meant nothing to you. How could you have moved on so fast when I was still crying every night? I didn’t understand but I do now. I won’t let you hurt me again, Peter Kavinsky, I can’t.” She slumped in defeat. “I just can’t. Whatever this was,” she gestures between them. “It’s over.”

He is silent for several moments and Lara Jean just stared at him helplessly, begging him to say something. Anything. 

He doesn’t respond. Instead, he walked towards her purposefully and lifted her up, pushing her up against the wall. Her legs go around his waist automatically and then they were kissing each other hard, their tongues battling for victory.

-*-*-*-*-


	10. We're in the endgame now

The more time flows  
The more it deepens  
I’m between your past and future right now

\- “Don’t Leave Me” by BTS

Chapter 10: We’re in the endgame now

“It’s over.” The words reverberated throughout his brain and he stood in front of her, raw, feeling like he was 18-years-old all over again and she was pushing him away, trying to close the chapter on their relationship.

He couldn’t stop himself. He needed to make her understand that backing away from this just wasn’t an option anymore. They were too far gone and he wouldn’t let her push him away again. His hands were everywhere and she was desperately trying to think, to say something. Her head fell back against the wall. She moaned as Peter sucked on her neck, leaving small bites along her collar bone. He wasn’t being gentle anymore. She felt the brick wall grate against her skin and she couldn’t help but like the roughness, just a little. He kissed her deeply as he undid her skirt, pulling it clean off. Their clothes went flying all across her living room. When they were completely naked, he wrapped her legs around him again and carried them to her bed. There was something so primal about the way he moved, as if he couldn’t tear himself away from her for anything else in the world. 

He lowered her onto the bed softly and lavished her with kisses. They had had sex so many times before but this felt different. He took his time, kissing her slowly and all over. It was as if he was trying to memorize her form. Was he saying goodbye?

Before she could pursue that thought, his lips were on hers. He was hard against her thigh and she moaned as he grinded into her center. She left a long scratch down his back as he played with her clit. He thrust his fingers into her. His breath was hot and heavy against her neck and she lifted her hips up into his hand, giving him more access. She felt him move off her to grab a condom and a few moments more, he was thrusting deep into her. He stilled for a moment when he was buried to the hilt, looking down at her and watching her reaction intently.

“I need you so much,” he whispered to her. “Don’t leave me again.” 

She looked up at him, her expression soft, confusion coloring her pretty eyes. And, then he was thrusting into her so powerfully that every thought flitted from her brain. She gave herself into the pleasure and wrapped her legs around him, taking him deeper. When she came, she felt the tension build up inside her before all her senses exploded and all she saw were stars.

He collapsed against her a few moments later, thrusting hard into her. She felt the remnants of his touch burn against her skin. She rolled over to face him, her body and heart tired. 

She caressed his face and whispered, “I need you too.” Sleep overtook her and Peter watched as she faded into a calm sleep. He kissed her cheek gently, pulling the covers up above her shoulders. He leaned back against the pillow and sighed, closing his eyes but knowing that he wouldn’t sleep tonight.

-*-*-*-

Peter woke up before her the next morning. He could tell that it was still early, the first rays of light of the day peeking through the blinds. He turned to her and watched her sleep, her breathing even. He brushed the hair out of her face and loved that even in her sleep, she leaned into his touch. He sat up in the bed and ran a hand through his hair, sighing. He had to tell her how he felt. He couldn’t put it off anymore. They probably should’ve actually talked last night but he was always better with actions. When she had threatened to end, whatever it was they were doing last night, he snapped. He couldn’t let go of her, physically, emotionally. She was a part of him, in every part of his being, intertwined.

He was never good with words. That was always her thing. But, he needed to do this.

He grabbed the pen and paper and started to write. He furiously scribbled down his thoughts and by the time he was done, his right hand ached. He slipped the letter into an envelope and left it on the pillow next to her. He knew he should probably tell her his feelings in person but the thought of facing her after she rejected him, again, last night was too hard for him to fathom. He gathered his clothes, dressing silently, and slipped out of her room and apartment.

-*-*-*-*-

The first thing that Lara Jean noticed when she woke up was that the bed was cold. She had gotten used to Peter curled around her, keeping her warm throughout the night. She opened her eyes and sat up on her elbows, looking around. She was alone and her room was empty.

Her heart pounded against her chest as she fell back onto her pillow, trying her best to blink away the tears. This was exactly what she was afraid was going to happen from the beginning when they restarted all of this. He would realize his mistake, leave her and she would be all alone.

She drew the covers close to her face and turned in the bed. She could smell his cologne on her sheets. She wiped away her tears and saw that there was a blue envelope next to her. Confused, she grabbed it and opened it.

She recognized his handwriting immediately.

_Dear Lara Jean,_

_If I were being completely honest with you, I did not move to Boston for my promotion. I moved here for you. When I first heard about the possibility of transferring to this office, the first thing I thought of was you. Like most things in my life, all my thoughts and actions seemed to lead back to you. So, when I saw an opportunity to be reunited with you again, I worked my ass off. I barely slept. All I focused on was the end game, on getting back to you._

_I don’t think I ever really stopped loving you. Yes, I pretended as if I had moved on and for awhile, I got so good at lying about it that I actually believed it. I went through all the motions but in my heart, I think I always knew that I could never really get over you. When you finally came back into my life and said that you wanted to be just friends, just wanted to keep it casual. It broke me. But, I couldn’t let you go. I had just gotten you back so I stupidly told myself that I needed to be okay with whatever you were willing to give me. If that was just friends with benefits, I needed to be okay with that._

_If last night was any indication of how I really felt about it, it became very clear that I couldn’t share you. I want you, Lara Jean, completely and selfishly, all to myself. I will always fight for you and try to do better, to become someone that one day will deserve you. You were right. I should’ve fought harder for you all those years ago but I was stupid, young and prideful. I let my ego get the best of me and I couldn’t let you see how much I was actually hurting._

_I am pushing my pride aside now and am telling you the truth. I hope I became the man I think you always knew that I could be. I look at you now and I’m amazed that you would choose me to talk to, to spend your nights with, to share your bed with. You are everything._

_I will always love you, Lara Jean Song-Covey. I am yours and I hope that you are mine._

_Peter_

She reread the letter at least five times before she could finally process the words. He loved her. It was such a simple statement but she couldn’t wrap her head around it. She had spent the last few weeks denying to herself that he had any feelings for her. She had been oblivious this whole time. As the shock slowly settled in, she snapped herself out of her daze. She grabbed a pen and paper and started to write. She poured everything she had been feeling for the past few years onto the pages and when she was done, she stuffed it into an envelope without rereading it. She couldn’t let herself overanalyze it. She just needed to do it. 

She looked at the clock, cursing herself for sleeping in. She needed to get to Peter. She quickly threw her clothes on and got herself ready. She knew her eyes were swollen from crying last night and her hair was such a mess. She tried her best to wrangle it into a messy bun.

She barely had her shoes on when she tumbled out of her apartment, ordering an Uber. She raced out the door, into the car. Throughout the ride, she cursed the traffic, debating if she wanted to text him. Should she tell him she was coming?

No. She needed to do this in person, not over text or call. Though she was older now, she was still every bit of a romantic as when she was a doe-eyed teenager. The heroine rushes to the hero to profess her undying love. She bounced her foot against the passenger seat, feeling restless. She rushed into his building, greeting the concierge, and practically stabbed the elevator button. Her bun had fallen out of its confinements and she pulled her hair tie out, letting her hair fall all around her face. Peter liked her hair down better anyway.

And, then she was finally at his door, knocking persistently. On the 10th knock, he finally answered. She looked up at him and could tell that he hadn’t been sleeping. The dark circles under his eyes were prominent. He looked at her but couldn’t quite meet her eyes.

“Hi Covey.”

“Hi.” She clutched his letter in her hand. He looked down and saw her holding it close to her body, her grip tight against the paper. “I got your letter.” There was something else in her hand. She shoved it towards him.

He looked down at the envelope she handed him. “What’s this?”

“I wrote you back,” she said quietly, biting her lip.

He pushed it back towards her and for a moment, she could feel the tears spring up again. 

“No, you read it to me.”

Lara Jean stood at the entrance to his apartment, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She opened the envelope, took out the letter, and cleared her throat.

_Dear Peter,_

_Growing up, I always wanted my life to be like a fairy tale. I wanted to be the princess that the prince would rescue and then we would ride off into the sunset together. When you first came into my life, I knew I wanted you to be my prince. You gave me my first love story. But as we got older, I realized that not everything was like in a fairy tale. Real life and real love was so much harder. And at times, it could be downright tragic._

_I know we keep saying that it was right to break up and that we needed the time apart and while the mature Lara Jean agrees, the 20-year-old version of me that was desperately in love with you just wanted us to fight through it. I thought we could conquer it all. I was saying one thing but wanting another._

_You came back into my life like a whirlwind, Peter Kavinsky. And again, I said one thing but wanted another. I never wanted to be just friends. I don’t even know how to be just friends with you. When I was younger, I always thought that 27 was a good age to fall in love with the love of your life. I never thought that I would’ve met mine in sixth grade and that he would capture my heart again at 26. I guess we were never good with timing, right?_

_I am yours, Peter Grant Kavinsky, if you’ll be mine?_

_Always and Forever,  
Lara Jean_

Peter took the letter from her hands when she finished reading, looking over her curly script and the words, as if memorizing them. And, then he smiled at her. She bit her lip again and stood on her tiptoes, brushing her lips across his softly. “Let’s do this for real this time.”

He finally let his arms wrap around her waist, letting out a small laugh. He held her so tightly, like if he didn’t hold on tight enough, she would disappear. 

“I love you, Lara Jean.” 

“I love you, Peter.”

-*-*-*-*-*-

They spent the rest of their night wrapped around each other. Lara Jean finished off the last spring roll, her legs on top of Peter’s as he ran his hands up and down her thighs. He hadn’t been able to keep his hands off of her all night. It was late when she finally announced that she had to leave.

“No, don’t leave. You don’t want to sleep over?” He whined, pouting for dramatic effect. 

“Peter, you’re leaving for Columbus tomorrow on a 6AM flight. I refuse to get up at 4AM. I need my beauty sleep.”

He pulled her towards him and wrapped his arms around her waist. 

“Are you really mine, Covey?” He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. 

She kissed him back and put her palms against his chest. “Always and forever.”

It was hard to leave him when he smiled so sweetly at her and Lara Jean debated just how much she actually had to leave. After a few moments of deliberation, she finally said goodbye and left his apartment, her whole being light and carefree.

-*-*-*-*-

Peter was in Columbus until Thursday evening, having been assigned a new project. He had grumbled about bad timing the whole night while Lara Jean was just amused at how genuinely bummed out he was. He texted her at 5:30AM Monday morning when he was getting ready to board. 

Peter: “Miss you already.”

She woke up to his message hours later and smiled stupidly at her phone, quickly typing back a response. 

Lara Jean: “Miss you more. Good luck this week. Hurry back!”

She got dressed and hurried out to her shift at the neighborhood bakery. She was busying herself with rearranging the pastry display when she saw John Ambrose walk in. She half debated if she wanted to duck under the counter but he had already spotted her. 

“Hi,” he smiled at her. “I thought I’d find you here. I tried the library first but I didn’t see you in your usual spot and then I walked past here and thought about coming in but then figured that would be weird and then I was standing at the front door for too long and people kept looking at me so I just came in.” When he finished rambling, his eyes were wide and he shook his head. “I’m sorry. That was way too much information.”

Lara Jean smiled at him, hoping it would put him at ease. “Give me one sec.” She gestured towards the chairs, telling him to sit while she got someone to cover for her while she took a break.

She joined him at a table in the back corner a few moments later. “I’m sorry I disappeared like that at your party.”

“It’s fine.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Was that guy umm.” He paused and rocked his body back and forth. She could see that he was tapping his leg against the floor. “Was that guy your boyfriend?”

“Yeah,” she said awkwardly. “He’s an old boyfriend who I guess became my new boyfriend?”

“Oh,” his face dropped. “I didn’t realize you were-“

“I wasn’t!” She said immediately, interrupting him. “At least not officially until this weekend.” She looked at him apologetically. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner but honestly, I didn’t really even know what was happening between us.”

He nodded and sighed. “I get it.” He looked at her intently. “Can we still be friends, Lara Jean? I don’t want things to be weird between us. You’re honestly one of my favorite people to study with and talk to. I love bouncing my thesis ideas off you.”

“Of course,” she smiled and squeezed his shoulder. “Thank you for understanding.” Because, of course John Ambrose understood. He always did.

“I guess it’s just not our time now,” He said softly. “But one day maybe it will be.” He smiled wistfully at her and she looked down. She couldn’t quite meet his gaze when he looked at her like that. Like she was all he desired. 

“I need to get back to work,” she said, fiddling with her apron. 

“Of course.”

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean debated if she wanted to tell Peter about her conversation with John Ambrose. She knew that he was already not the biggest fan of him, having caught John almost professing his feelings to her. She wanted to protect what she and Peter had. It was so new and fragile and she just didn’t want anything to ruin it.

Peter came straight to her apartment from the airport. She led him towards the couch and he dropped his bags off in the bedroom. He flopped onto the couch, utterly exhausted. “I can’t believe I’m there for another two weeks.”

She cuddled up next to him and he wrapped his arm around her. “How was your hotel? Did you get those tiny hotel soaps?”

“It was pretty standard. No complaints. And yes, I stole some for you.”

“Oooo! Thank you. You know how much I like those.”

He kissed the top of her head. “How was your week?”

She paused for a moment, debating how she wanted to respond. “It was good. I studied, worked, you know the usual.”

“Why is your voice doing that high pitchy thing?”

“It’s not!” she squeaked. She finally sighed and clasped his hands. “Okay, don’t be mad but John Ambrose came to the bakery to talk.”

His eyes immediately narrowed and he swore. “That motherfu-“

“It was fine, Peter.” She reassured him. “Nothing happened and I told him that you and I got back together and that me and him were just friends.”

“You’re still going to be friends with him?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Is that going to be a problem?”

He sighed and leaned back against the couch. “No,” he said finally. “I’m just being a jealous prick.”

She laughed and brushed the hair out of his face. “It’s kind of a nice feeling, you being jealous.”

Peter looked at her in confusion and she explained further. 

“I’ve seen the way that other women look at you. There’s something,” she paused, trying to find the right word, “enthralling about knowing that you get jealous too.”

He leaned down and kissed her gently. “I don’t care about anyone else. There’s no one like you, Covey.”

-*-*-*-*-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's over! Thank you all SO MUCH for reading and supporting this story! It means so much to me that you've enjoyed this.
> 
> I'm toying with the idea of a sequel and also another story!


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